The Ultimate Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei Fanfiction
by Sei-sama
Summary: This is a fanfiction, not an anime! Warning: This may cause ruptures of spleens or exploding funny bones. Or at least, I'd like it to because it would make me feel confidant about my writing skills. Warning: This is not really the Ultimate SZS Fanfiction.
1. This is a fanfiction: Introduction

"Ah! Hello, sensei! It's a wonderful day, isn't it?"

Nozomu Itoshiki stared at the student who greeted him, who happened to be the terrifyingly optimistic girl Kafuka (penname), before suddenly breaking eye-contact. "Fool," he said.

"Hm?"

Then the teacher looked up again and continued, "Don't you know this is a fanfiction?!" while throwing an arm down so that the sleeve went swishy-swish. "You can't just carelessly talk like on a TV or a radio! You have to let the readers know what you're doing with very descriptive writing!"

Cue opening theme, starting with drum solo.

Cue guitars.

"_Bure bure bure bure_

"_Bure Bu-" _Nozomu quickly unplugged the sound system that the opening was blasting out of. They wouldn't really need sound right now anyways, since this is a fanfiction. "No! There aren't any openings for fanfictions! And isn't this one terribly outdated?!"

"Mooou, I really like the song though," pouted Kafuka, who was just about to spontaneously dance. It was a good dance. Especially that part right around 'suteki' or 'tsuteki' or whatever it was. The All-Powerful Authoress and Local Goddess of this Fanfiction does not know the word. "By the way, should we tell the others that this is a fanfiction?"

"No need, we all heard," said Chiri suddenly appearing out of nowhere, along with the rest of the cast behind her.

"That's terribly convenient," Nozomu observed before looking around blankly. "By the way, does anybody know exactly where we are? The setting hasn't been described yet."

Oh fine. The class and their teacher were all just outside the drab and very uninteresting school, having stopped on their way in. The dirt path they were on led to the thick double doors of the school (where else?) and was lined by several trees on either side. The trees just happened to be cherry blossom trees and there just happened to be a slightly strong wind blowing so cherry blossom petals swirled around in the air and danced about the student's heads in a rather cliché manner that was always in at least one scene in every anime.

"What about me?" complained Nozomu.

And danced about the students and teacher's heads.

"It's autumn. This isn't the proper season for cherry blossom petals swirling around," Chiri said, with all the air of one who would get very irritated soon if this mistake wasn't fixed.

Alright, jeez. Fine. If you didn't want pretty cherry blossoms, just say so.

So, no pretty pink and absolutely beautiful petals fell and danced and spun around and graced the large group with their presence. Instead, a strong and chilly wind blew on them and they all shivered because they were all dressed for spring. Kaere, who was wearing an especially short skirt that day, thought she should have at least worn some stockings and did her mandatory panty flash which none of you will be seeing because this is a fanfiction. Everybody immediately continued their way into the school which was a lot warmer than outside.

"Now everybody," Nozomu said once all the students had settled down into their regular seats. For some reason, the chalkboard sported the words 'It's a beam!' in small letters right under Nozomu's arm. "I'm sure you are all aware that this is a fanfiction now and changes have to be made. You all can't just talk and expect the readers to be satisfied with just that. And they will want you to speak in perfect grammar and spelling as well, so no slacking off. Because the readers can't see you, your movements have to be described. Yes Maria?"

The cute little adorable illegal immigrant dropped her small arm and asked, "Do we have to describe our bowel movements?"

"I think they would ask you not to describe those," Nozomu replied calmly. Years of working with these students that inexplicably always got held back every year paid off. He was no longer fazed by any of their antics. Most of the time, anyways.

"Ah, don't worry. I'm very used to being descriptive," said Harumi, the local mangaka of the class. She casually crossed her long legs under the wooden desk and her torso slid forward a little. She was leaning against an elbow and as she shifted her position, she moved her other arm forward so that her hand was behind the elbow and that the elbows were almost perpendicular. Her skirt lifted a little, but did not show anything beyond her slick and thin thighs and she stared seductively with her luscious brown eyes at her teacher behind her thin glasses which –

"Wait, that's too descriptive," Nozomu interrupted. "We don't want to know that much information. People will get bored." Harumi didn't seem to be very insulted though, and just smiled. "Yes, that's better. You don't have to go into detail how your smile is shaped lovely or how your lips contrast very well with your skin or how – "

"It sounds like you're complimenting her facial features now, sensei…" Matoi said from under Nozomu's large teacher desk. She stared up enviously, something that she was very good at doing, being a stalker and all. It was the kind of stare that other people had to practice for years in front of a mirror. It was a very penetrating stare and Nozomu hated it when the stalker-girl stared at him like that because it made him uncomfortable and he was very certain that it was often focused on his groin, seeing that from her position, Matoi couldn't see his face unless he bent down.

"A-anyways! This is the first chapter of the fanfiction, which means it's the introduction. Many readers will be expecting a lot out of this, okay? So do your best! Or else The Authoress will not get a lot of reviews and will take it out on us!" That's right, I will be very depressed if not a lot of reviews come. That's the thing with being a fanfiction writer; you really want reviews, but there's a lot of people who don't like giving reviews or just don't feel like it and so don't, not realizing the impact that can have on a story. "We need to give the reader the general idea about what this fanfiction is going to be about and who the characters – that's us – are and maybe get some foreshadowing too."

"But sensei," Nami piped up from her seat. "There's too many characters to describe, plus, this fanfiction is so far, very pointless. I don't think there is even a plot. What are we supposed to foreshadow?"

"That's a good, but very normal point," Nozomu responded, ignoring Nami's cries of 'Don't say normal!' "Of course, it's not exactly a normal point, but since you're such a normal girl, I had to emphasize that with the readers. Nami is a normal girl! There, I think they got the idea.

"Well, I guess this really doesn't have a plot. It's probably more like a creative rant by The Authoress on whatever her whim is. And I guess we can describe all the characters as we go along. But we have to at least describe the absolute main characters by the end of this chapter.

"And there's a lot of things we can foreshadow, like this: I'm going to commit suicide now." And with that, Itoshiki Nozomu took out a very nicely made noose from somewhere in his desk, tied it around somewhere nearby, maybe a very well-placed rafter, and hung himself without even a good-bye.

Nobody was very fazed, and Kudo spared a few seconds from the book he was currently reading to say, "Sensei, that's not how foreshadowing goes. It's more discreet." He then continued reading.

"He's right, sensei. That was very blunt. Foreshadowing is very subtle and hard to notice unless the reader is really looking out for it. If you want to foreshadow your suicide, then it should go more like…hm…" Chiri thought for a moment, tilting her head so that her long black hair fell about one shoulder. Then she took over for The Authoress for a few seconds to make a proper example of foreshadowing.

Nozomu was feeling especially depressed today. He found everything in life to be disappointing, or at least more disappointing than usual, and so wallowed about in a somewhat disheartened stupor, thinking how the world can be so horrible.

The high-school teacher hung himself on a nearby tree and died.

"There, something like that," said Chiri satisfactorily, standing back near her seat now that she had stop playing pretend-Authoress. "Though there should be more between the two paragraphs…I should fix that…" There was a brief scuffle and the girl that just _had _to have everything just right was sent back by the all-powerful Authoress with a warning that if she ever tried to take over again, she'd end up somewhere horrible, maybe in a gutter, with something like a knife or something in her stomach, along with her hair un-straightened for all eternity, even at her funeral.

Nozomu gurgled, as apparently the noose was not as good as he thought and he was spending an awful long time dying and it was very painful and he couldn't bring himself to signal his students to quickly cut him down. By a stroke of luck, a very small thunderstorm floated into the classroom and a small lightning bolt with all the power of a full-sized lightning bolt divided by a million struck and burned the rope so Nozomu fell to the floor with only a mildly bruised neck and his usual traditional hakama on fire. Other than that, he was pretty much unharmed.

Although it would be very flashy and a very cool way to die of being set on fire by a ridiculously small lightning bolt, Nozomu decided to continue living and started rolling around on the floor. Or maybe he was simply reacting naturally to many childhood years of being exposed to the phrase 'Stop, Drop, and Roll'. Either way, he was soon up again at his desk.

"I failed to die again," he sighed unhappily.

"Sensei, you could have just decided to burn to death," one of the obscure and unimportant students pointed out. Nozomu carefully and skillfully ignored this comment.

"I believe this would be around a half-way point in a normal anime episode. Because this is a fanfiction and not an anime, we cannot show any fan-service clips of Komori-san or Chie-san or anything. I just want to say that." He probably said that to lower the popularity of this fanfiction in hopes I would kill him off in anger or depression. Ha! No such luck. "Curses, foiled again," Nozomu said in that really corny villain type of voice.

"Sensei, are we actually going to learn anything today?" another obscure and unimportant student asked.

"No." Of course, Itoshiki Nozomu usually never taught anything in his class. Or at least, anything useful. This is probably the reason why everybody in his class keep repeating the year. "The Authoress is getting tired of writing this Introduction Chapter so she wants to just finish this off now with the character descriptions. I think we'll just start off with describing who was introduced in this chapter, except for those obscure and unimportant guys in the back who will probably never show up ever again."

This of course, caused a lot of protests from the characters who have not shown up in this fanfiction yet, but I will ignore them all because it is currently almost midnight and it's a school night and I'm supposed to be asleep by now and no, I will not go get a good night's sleep and continue whenever I have the time.

Okay, I'm back.

"About time," Meru complained, although she didn't say it, she typed it up on her cellphone with amazingly speedy fingers.

"You may have gotten a good night's sleep, but we had to wait for you to finish this stupid chapter," Abiru sighed, although it would have been even painful to talk because of her recent chest injury.

Alright, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll just finish this up now. Mandatory character descriptions go!

-Due to complaints, PMS, and a tiger mauling, the mandatory character descriptions will not be shown this chapter. We apologize for the inconvenience.-


	2. Crossovers of the Crappy Nature

Nozomu Itoshiki sighed a heavy sigh, one laden with sadness and melancholy and other things that mean the same thing. He had felt a sudden "spasm of despair" (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy; pg 94; last sentence of first paragraph; remember kiddies, always give credit where it's due!) and after the usual 'I'm in despair!' junk, he decided to commit suicide, but then realized he had no more rope and found that he wasn't manly enough to knife himself in the stomach or anything like that, which just made him more depressed. So he took a warm bath.

And so the raven-haired (but in no way related to Uchiha Sasuke) teacher sank in the warm water. Steam clouded the nearby mirror and windows, though why you would want a window in your bathroom, I don't know. The water was also just opaque enough so Nozomu's body could not be seen at all under the water.

He sighed heavily again.

"What's wrong, sensei?" Matoi had been lurking in a convenient corner, unseen, until she spoke, that is. Even though Nozomu knew the stalker girl had his phone number and a copy of his keys and even pictures of him sleeping, he never got used to the fact that she could be anywhere. For example, in his bathroom while he was taking a bath.

The teacher jumped, but managed to still conceal his manly parts. "A-ah…did you…?"

"Don't worry, I looked away in time."

"Good."

"What's wrong, sensei?" Matoi insisted, moving closer to the side of the tub.

"Well," Nozomu replied, looking off to the side, to the tiled walls of his bathroom. They were yellowed, because bathroom tiles always had to be yellowed. "I was just thinking about how good it was as an anime instead of a fanfiction." Matoi silently stared. She was very good at that. Nozomu took this as a sign to continue, and did so. "I mean, our anime is pleasing to the eye. Except in claymation. But with fanfiction, it really depends on the writer…and it can be hard to describe what is going on in the scene. Some writers are like Harumi…and then some just don't know how to write. And also, those title card things in the beginning of each episode were nice…but you can't have that kind of thing in fanfiction."

"You can have a chapter title," Matoi offered, but only received yet another sigh in response.

"No…It just won't be the same."

"But sensei…" Matoi leaned over now, so her face was mere inches away from the teacher's own face. Her eyes stared into his beautiful emerald ones. There was the sense of some inner understanding of something very important, or of some connection being made, like the answer to the Ultimate Question being solved (42) or something. She ignored the fact that her sleeves were getting wet for the time being. "…will it make you feel happy…?"

_Spasms of Despair_

"Actually, I think that did make me feel better. 'Spasms of Despair'…has a nice ring to it, actually," Nozomu confessed, smiling a little up at Matoi. The stalker smiled back, happy that the love-of-her-life-for-the-time-being was marginally happier, though still obviously depressed, since that was his normal state.

"Um…can you leave my bathroom now? I'm about to get out…"

"It's fine, I don't mind."

"…This is _my_ house, you know, not yours…"

Little did anyone know that their world, Earth, was about to be overrun by many confused foreigners from various universes. Or maybe the same universe, but different planets. Anyways, for some reason, all these confused foreigners would flock to Japan. A certain place in Japan, actually.

In the sky, there is a white star. It grows bigger, suggesting that it isn't a stationary white star, but a moving white star. A falling star.

A person walking outside just happened to look up and found that it wasn't a star at all, but a small pod glowing red from recent turbulence with our glorious atmosphere. Then he was crushed under it. If he had enough time to live, he would probably notice with great interest how white and clean and shiny the pod was. It was perfectly round. There didn't seem to be any windows, though.

With a _'fshooooo'_ sound and a whole bunch of smoke coming from nowhere, a door opened where it didn't seem like there would be a door, and dropped downwards to the ground. It didn't quite reach it because of the person underneath the pod, but that didn't matter to the occupant who clanked down the door and just hopped off at the end.

The figure wondered where the hell all the steam was coming from. It was sure that the pod hadn't crashed _that_ badly. Then the figure's gigantic brain realized that steam was supposed to come out. It was for dramatic effect. Well, the previous owner of the pod was one for dramatic effects…

Speaking of dramatic effects, if this were a movie instead of a fanfiction, then the figure would be entirely shadowed with almost no features showing, but it would still be obvious who the figure was. All you would see of this figure would be triangular green eyes, unblinking, as they observed the man underneath the pod.

And somewhere else, another (heavily shadowed) man appeared out of nowhere. To go into more detail, somewhere in the space above a random part of sidewalk, a subtle popping noise…well, popped. There seemed to be another subtle noise that sounded oddly of screaming interrupted by short periods of 'ohshitohshitohshit' or something along those lines. Anybody looking out a window would notice that sparks suddenly appeared at some point on the sidewalk and continued onwards, though nobody seemed to be causing them. The sparks eventually evolved into fire, which trailed on and on and on and on and on until friction decided to stop loafing around and actually do something. A few seconds later, a figure could finally be seen as he had slowed down enough. He gracefully stumbled to a stop and fell over onto his face. His boots seemed to have disintegrated and his hat was most definitely on fire. This figure lay there for a while, breathing heavily and generally trying to figure out if he was alive. Of course, this was a stupid thing to try and figure out if you know you're breathing, but the figure decided not to take any chances. Then he got up off the hard concrete, dusted off his robes, extinguished the fire on his hat, and stared blankly at the unfamiliar surroundings.

And yet another person popped into existence. It wasn't as flashy as the last guy, though. Instead of trailing over six feet of flame, this person just…well…um…it was like a blink of an eye thing. Sort of. She seemed to have been in a middle of an attack before she was spirited away from where ever she had been before, and managed to explode a car that was unfortunately placed in front of her. Realizing that it was no longer misty like where she had just come from, the girl looked around, blinking round eyes. She realized that the damn opponent she was just fighting had done this. Well, only he could have done this, as far as she knew. The girl decided that she had better find out where the hell she was and try to figure out a way to get back.

And once again another person (don't worry, this is the last one, I promise) appeared. Not as flashy as the trailing-fire man, but still quite flashy. Mostly because there was a blinding white flash and if you were stupid enough to stare at that white flash, you would be blinded immediately and thus would not be able to see the light suddenly contract into a small point and that small point in turn, expanding into a shape of a slightly hunched person.

I would go into detail about how some other people pop into existence coincidentally in Japan, but it would take too much time and besides, not all of them really matter.

Because of all these foreigners walking around now, it is no surprise that Kafka found one of them, confused, lost, bewildered, and a bunch of other stuff. It was a man in a red dress – erm, robe – and a rather worn red hat. She noticed that someone had made a spelling error on it. Or, maybe, 'Wizzard' was his name. That would be a really cool name.

He was rather tall and lanky and sort of wretched-looking and had a beard that looked like it was supposed to be fantastic and long, but gave up waaaaaaaay before the half-way point. It was more like an unimpressive tuft of red or orange or whatever. Kafka immediately ran up to him to say hi. He jumped when she did so and looked around furtively.

"Hello! Where are you from? That's a pretty cool hat. So your name is Wizzard is it? Wow…a pretty cool name. Hey, if you're Wizzard, can you do some magic?"

Rincewind (for this stranger's name is indeed Rincewind), since he was surprised, just gaped and said 'Uh' a lot for a few minutes. The scraggly man wasn't in the best of shape. He had no idea where this strange place was, no idea who this girl was, and had only a little grasp of what she had just said. (He only understood 'Wizzarddo' and 'Magikku' but only after frowning in concentration and mouthing the words himself.) Though, actually, now that he was thinking straight, he realized that the language the weird girl was speaking was quite similar to the language in the Agatean Empire. (Similar, but not identical. For example, instead of 'Hello,' Kafka appeared to have said something about spontaneously combusting coconuts.) Rincewind was rather good at languages, since he needed to know how to scream in every one (Screaming 'Aaaaah' in one part of his world actually meant 'Your wife is a big hippo' or 'I would like to eat your foot' or 'Hello, thinks Mr. Purple Cat!' There's also 'Quick, extra boiling oil!' and 'highly enjoyable') so he used this skill to attempt to converse with a Japanese person in Agatean.

First, he carefully ignored all that Kafka said, made sure to ignore the fact that she was dressed as a sailor, and simply asked, "Do you know where I am?"

"Oh, you're in Japan." Rincewind's face had suddenly gone blank at this reply, for in Agatean, 'Nihon' means something along the lines of 'Killkillkill'.

"I've never heard of that…uh…_oh dammit_…hippo?" Kafka stared back, prompting Rincewind to try again. "Dirty fleece blanket…wrinkled paper that was once wet…place. This _is _still Discworld, right?"

"Discworld?" Kafka repeated, tiling her head to one side.

"Yeah, you know," Rincewind said, getting very worried at the way the girl was looking confusedly at him. "Big round thing…with oceans and mountains and the Hub and the Rim…"

"That sounds like Earth, but I've never heard of a hub or rim."

"No, it's _the _Hub and _the _Rim. You know…exact…biscuit…no, I mean center of Discworld and the rim of Discworld…the Cori Celesti…" Rincewind waved his hands around as some sort of odd emphasis. "You don't really _need _to hear about them really…they're just…there…"

"Rim? But the world doesn't have a rim. It's round."

"That's stupid. How would anybody stay on?"

"Well, there's the gravity. It pulls everything down."

"_Exactly_. People would just slide off the sides if the world was round. In fact, the only place you could stand on would be the very top."

And then it was time for Nozomu to make his appearance with his usual shouting of some random nonsense. "Ah! Could this be…?"

"Oh, Pink Supervisor! I've found a guy called Wizzard! He's really funny. I think he's an alien." Kafka cheerfully dragged Nozomu closer, where the teacher got a better look at the odd man.

"Weird clothes…is that a dress?"

"It's a robe," Rincewind replied testily while wondering whether he should go find somebody else to talk to. (Unfortunately, the Agatean word for 'robe' sounds like the Japanese word for 'half-naked weasel' which obviously led to some confusion.)

"You are not of this universe, are you?"

"There's a lot of evidence pointing to that, actually. A round world…rubbish, just stuff in books. I think there was some old cult that thought the world was round…"

"Oh god! As I thought! A crossover fanfiction!" Nozomu cried to the sky, jolting Rincewind out of his quiet mutterings and convincing him even more that he should find some other company. "I bet you are from some place that is in no way remotely related to this place and that you have no reasonable explanation for being here too," the teacher added somberly.

"Well…actually…" Rincewind frowned. It was as the bespectacled man said. He had no idea why he was here, (and he would rather be back too for he feared that any moment, he might slip off the rounded side of the Earth) and the only thing he remembered was going really, really fast from one place to this one for no apparent reason other than he had the worst luck ever. "…Nobody here will expect me to save the world or anything from…_um_…keeling…_no_…wheel…falling off the sides of this world, right?"

"No, I don't think anybody could ever need help on a nice day as this," Kafka replied amiably. "So this is a crossover? Well, I always say it's nice to meet new and interesting people. Hey, can you do magic?"

"Are you kidding? Crossovers are one of the worst types of fanfiction ever! They are the product of what should not be! Transformers and Love Hina! Bambi and The Terminator! It's like…the writer suddenly wonders what happens if X meets Y or if X replaces Y in Universe Y, and so they start writing and it starts out not so ridiculous and then it gets out of hand and becomes outright ludicrous! They almost never give a reason why X and Y meet and get in a highly implausible relationship where they do this and that!"

"Oh, I know those," Harumi suddenly popped up, conveniently holding one of 'those' manga. "I tried drawing a yaoi pairing with Itachi and Ace, but it really didn't work out." ("'Yaw-oi'?" "You probably don't want to know.") "And I really thought it could work too…"

"Putting aside Fujiyoshi-san's thoughts on good pairings, fanfiction crossovers also always seems very pointless. There's never a plot, like the writers just wanted to see what kind of conversation would occur between two favorite characters from different series and just hastily put in a plot afterwards. Watch, soon there will be a very shaky plot introduction by some other character who's probably from another universe."

"Did somebody call me?" A man shuffled up to the group. This one was very old and had an oddly shaped head and very thick spectacles. He was wearing a lab coat and trousers pulled way up (something that old people always seems to do) and apparently was still in some fuzzy slippers. This man is generally known as Professor Farnsworth. "Ah, and by the way, although I could have obviously asked someone else but inexplicably waited until you came along to actually do it, is this still New New York?"

"New New York? Don't you mean New York?" Harumi queried, and no, I did not just use the word 'queried' to show off my immense vocabulary. I don't have an immense vocabulary.

"This is Japan," Nozomu answered.

"Japan? Hm. Does this mean I happen to be speaking Japanese right now?"

"Well, yes…Japan is known for Japanese-speaking natives…"

"I'm speaking Agatean," Rincewind added. However, 'Agatean' sounded like 'succulent unicycles' in Japanese.

"That's strange, I don't remember ever learning Japanese, though I may have taken a crash course in college while drunk after one of _those_ parties. And I don't remember wearing this lab coat. In fact, I don't remember getting out of bed today…how did I get here…? And what is this I'm holding?" Professor Farnsworth adjusted his thick spectacles to peer at the small, rectangular device in his wrinkled hand. It had fancy looking buttons that could possibly destroy the world if you messed with them and a nifty looking screen and it went 'beep' every so often. It was also held together with duct tape. The big bold letters written in smelly sharpie on one particular piece of duct tape read 'Doom Molecules Detector'.

"Wow, sensei, another interesting person! This must be a great inventor! What does that thing do?"

"Oh this? It's either the remote to one of my doomsday devices or the thing-gummy that detects the amount of doom molecules in the air and shows how closely the world is to ending. Incidentally, there seems to be a lot of doom molecules surrounding that young man over there." Professor Farnsworth pointed a shaking arm towards Nozomu, who looked around wildly before pointing to himself as if saying, 'Who, me?' "Either that, or I have accidentally activated something back in my lab and we have only a few minutes before Earth is destroyed."

"Doom molecules?" Harumi asked, tilting her head slightly.

"Ah, doom molecules are tiny, mischievous things that go around causing little mishaps in the world. They can also cause little rips and tears in the world if they cause too big a mishap, but the world tends to pick itself back up. If too many doom molecules accumulate together, they can cause a giant rip which even our trusty Earth cannot handle, and in one giant mishap, can destroy the world! Incidentally, they apparently tend to appear around rips in space-time continuum, depressed and angsty emo brats, and, of course, Florida." The old scientist finished his explanation and nodded happily. "Luckily, Florida is built on a large, festering pile of weirdness that once in a while, turns into a small black hole now and then and cleans up some of the doom molecules there, and the only depressed people depressed enough to bring about the end of the world are generally in fictions that everybody hate."

"Then that explains it. Itoshiki-sensei is rather depressed, after all," Matoi said, having been lurking all along. (Rincewind was quite startled at her sudden appearance.)

"So…my very existence can actually destroy the world…!" Nozomu shouted.

"Actually, you need mass depression for the world to end, if my calculations are right, or a few really depressed people coming together (though what are the chances of that?). Even your doom molecules and some of the doom molecules coming from that lady over there aren't enough," Professor Farnsworth nodded happily.

"Well, I guess these doom whatsits explain why I always seem to have bad luck wherever I go. And sir, this isn't a dress and I'm not a woman," Rincewind said testily.

"The whole world is actually better off if I were dead…" Nozomu continued, suddenly wrapped in his own personal emo bubble.

"The Doom Molecule Detector is only giving off a reading of about…half the Doom required for the end of the world. Of course, the closer two Doom-Molecule-infected persons are, the higher the Doom reading. I believe this is because when two different infected individuals get within range, the Doom Molecules start this…ah…misery-inducing wild sex kind of thing."

The mandatory four shots of different views of Nozomu's face show (though you won't see it since this is a fanfiction) and he shouted, "I'm in despair! The thought that I can bring about the end of the world has left me in despair!"

"Also, the more depressed one gets, the more doom molecules there are," Farnsworth said amiably as the device in his hand started beeping urgently.

"Brother, control yourself," Nozomu's sister, Rin, said scornfully. "The more you despair, the closer we get to the destruction of the world. I haven't married and gotten rid of this name yet." Rin apparently had just happened to be passing by and apparently had overheard everything.

"The only way for me to stop…" Nozomu started, and rather predictably, got out a noose.

"Also, they accumulate around people about to do suicide. They do love a good suicide, and maybe ruining it. Oh my, this man's depression is really something, hm? Doom Molecules are flocking around him like mindless bystanders to a very dangerous situation involving some superhero. I daresay by the time he actually puts that noose around his throat and kicks that stool away..."

"Stop! Don't act so unreasonable! At least wait until I have gotten rid of this name!" Rin shouted before throwing herself onto her brother in an attempt to restrain him from killing himself and possibly raising the doom level high enough to end the world.

"At least wait until we are properly married, sensei!" Chiri joined in, tackling Nozomu as well, so that the teacher struggled to stay on his stool.

"…it still won't be enough to destroy the world," the professor continued, though was unheard.

"If the world is destroyed because of you, I'LL SUE!" Kaere yelled, pulled off her panty flash, and pounced on Nozomu as well.

"I want to continue living! I don't want to die, especially on this…this…_round_ planet!" Rincewind wailed as well, getting into the spirit of the situation, before trying to drag Nozomu away from the noose.

"Now look what you've done! It's almost World-Destruction level now! Didn't I tell you that close contact between two infested individuals increases the level considerably?!" Farnsworth roared from his seat, having just noticed that his device was beeping dangerously fast now and was holding up a sign that said 'Say your prayers,' as a very localized earthquake occurred around the pile of struggling bodies, followed by a short tornado attack that threw the pile to the ground and a thunderbolt that almost struck them as well as a sudden rain of fish and one elephant. (Tragically, one man was squished by the falling elephant. The elephant was unharmed.) When Nozomu and Rincewind were separated, the Doom levels dropped again and the earthquake stopped. Rincewind shook a distressed trout off of his hat.

"There, now you two just avoid actually touching each other, and the world should be considerably safe, as long as some other depressed idiot doesn't come along. Now I think I'll pop into the next spaceship to New New York, if you don't mind. Don't go about bringing the Apocalypse while I'm gone!" The professor then turned around and started shuffling away slowly in a random direction.

"Oh, inventor guy, we don't have spaceships here!" Kafka said after him.

"What?! What has Japan come to! No spaceships…how could you travel to Alpha Centori, hm? Japan is supposed to be one of the most advanced countries, not some back-water twentieth-century bum!" The professor was about to go into full Old-Man-Rant-Mode, but Kafka stopped him in time.

"This _is_ the twentieth century, though." This was shocking enough to stop Farnsworth from ranting for a few seconds.

"…the twentieth century…? That's impossible! It's impossible to go back in time!" Farnsworth roared, obviously forgetting his little adventure in Roswell (and that weird time code thing, but thinking about that makes my head hurt so I don't want to mention it). "Although that does explain why Space Godzilla hasn't arrived to destroy the city yet…god dammit, that means I'll have to figure out a way to get back. Maybe a time machine of some sort…"

"Maybe you can make something that can send me back?" Rincewind asked but was immediately ignored.

"Woow! An inventor from the future! See, sensei? This crossover has brought some interesting people here! I wonder if we'll find an alien?"

"What about the fact that suddenly, I can destroy the world, huh?! Did you just forget about that?!" Nozomu roared. "Well, at least it doesn't seem like a poorly constructed plot has arisen yet."

"_Oh, look, some more carbon-based life-forms_," an electronic voice moaned (in English) as its owner dragged himself towards the group. This new person wasn't actually a person, but a robot more commonly known as Marvin the Paranoid Android. And now there were three very depressing people standing in rather close proximity.

"Great Zombie Jesus!" Farnsworth cried as his device started beeping and contemplating suicide.

"Ah, Japanese, is it?" the robot asked, now speaking flawless Japanese using some complex robotic thing.

"This robot here has more Doom Molecules surrounding him than both of you combined!" Professor Farnsworth announced loudly. "It's amazing that the world hasn't ended yet! You three must stay as far apart as possible, or perhaps live in Florida!"

Rincewind seized this chance. "Oh yes, good idea. You know what would be far away? Discworld. Now I bet that would be a great place to send me, if you could." He was still ignored. Maybe it was Ignore the Guy in the Robe Day.

"Well, what are you all waiting for? Go on! Get lost! To Florida! Away from each other, at least! Do you want to destroy the world?" Farnsworth shouted, making exaggerated waving motions with his hands.

"It figures," Marvin sighed, making no move to leave (or maybe going through it very slowly). "I'm hated already."

"I don't hate you," Kafka quipped cheerfully, bounding towards the white and sleek robot. "I think you're cool."

"You don't have to pretend to like me," Marvin gloomily said, lowering his round head dejectedly to the ground. Although the robot could (sort of) read minds and could tell that the cheerful girl wasn't lying, it was a habit of his to say it. And what kind of depressed robot would he be if he didn't say that? "The world might end soon, so there's no point, really."

"Well, maybe the world won't end if you just left," Farnsworth said crossly. "Before some other remarkably depressed person comes!" As he said this, someone who was remarkably _not_ a depressed person came by. This was a female with long pink hair in pigtails and wearing some kind of gothic lolita style clothing. There was also a small crown on her head. Not the pointy kind, though.

She immediately stretched out her arms, out of which several ghosts flew out of. These ghosts then passed through everybody in the group except Rin, who just happened to have left at that point. This is very important, because these ghosts have the power to make people very depressed, except for people who were already depressed. "Alright now, somebody tell me where the hell I am!" Perona (since this ghost-lady's name is Perona) shouted hysterically.

She was replied with a lot of moans. Chiri dropped to her knees and sighed, "I am so imperfect…I should just die…" Matoi sighed, "My love is never to be" from her spot on the ground. "Oh, I wish my heart would just give out already," the professor moaned. Meru, who had randomly showed up, knelt to the ground as well and quickly typed 'I'm such a hypocritical piece of shit…I deserve to die…' Kaere lay on the ground, mumbled something about suing, then said, "Oh what's the point…" and mumbled something about suicide. And so on. Perona realized this was a little thoughtless on her part and wondered why she sent her Negative-ghosts out in the first place if she only wanted to know where the hell she was. The pink-haired girl got the feeling that some higher being (like The Authoress) just wanted her to do that just to see what the result would be.

"That was an experience I wouldn't like to have again anytime soon," said Rincewind testily, being unaffected by the negative effects since, as said before, he was pretty damn negative. He still felt the unpleasant chill as the ghost went through his guts. It was a very unnerving feeling.

"Why haven't I gotten a lot of lines recently?" Nozomu complained. "Is it that in crossovers the original characters are overshadowed by the newcomers?" He was about to launch in another 'I'm in despair' speech when Kafka interrupted.

"That felt weird…" she said unsteadily. Her constant smile was faded now, as if she was uncertain of her optimism. Apparently, she was so optimistic that the ghost's pessimistic effects didn't quite overcome it. Because this kind of thing had never happened before and The Authoress wanted her to do it, Perona temporarily forgot any worries of where the hell she was and sent another ghost through Kafka. The now not-so-optimistic girl teetered, held her head, and said, "I think…I need to…lie down…"

"By the way, you're in Japan," Nozomu offered because he wanted more dialogue.

When all the pessimism wore off and the world, amazingly, hadn't come to an emo, wrist-slitting end, Farnsworth proceeded to stomp around in an elderly way. "And now someone who can turn people into pessimistic twits comes!" He ranted as he shuffled around in circles. "It's like the world _wants_ to end!"

"Well, even though I'm pretty much evil, I wouldn't want the world to end," Perona said nervously after everything was explained to her and a small volcano suddenly arose and erupted due to all the pessimism (not necessarily in that order). She made sure that she wouldn't use those ghosts until she was well away from any large groups of very depressed people.

"See what happens when you make a crossover?" Nozomu said to nobody in particular. "The world ends."

"It hasn't ended yet, sensei," Kafka quipped.

"Oh, you're horribly optimistic again," the teacher sighed. Then, because the chapter is getting a little too long for The Authoress's comfort and because she really doesn't know what to type, she decided to suddenly time-skip in a totally inappropriate place.

"Good news, everybody!" the professor shouted. "To recap for nobody in particular, because some evil spiritual orb thing (see Marchen Awakens Romance) managed to take over Perona's body while she was doing her weird astral projection thing (for reasons unknown) and has all intentions of ending the world (for no reason), I thought it would be a good idea to get the most positive people in all the universes to combat all the negativity. Also, I put those three depressed, Doom Molecule-enriched twats in quarantine."

"How is this quarantine?!" Nozomu shouted from inside a large, clear, plastic hamster ball. Rincewind moodily sulked in his. Marvin had shut himself off by now.

"And I have finished my teleporting machine that will hopefully band all the optimistic people in the multiverse to save the world!" Farnsworth finished.

"We know, the dammed thing's right behind you," Rincewind sighed sullenly. "Can I get out now?"

"Shut up," Farnsworth replied before pulling a large switch down.

"What I don't understand," Rincewind continued unhappily, "is why the bloody orb thing hasn't destroyed the world yet. It shouldn't take that long to send those ghost things out everywhere. Also, if you could build that…thing, then why couldn't you just send me home?"

Professor Farnsworth calmly said nothing, probably because he couldn't hear over the roar of the machine's engines and the random clacking racket it made. Light shone brightly in a ten-foot tall glass container, bright enough to make one shield their eyes, and contracted quickly and popped. When everybody stopped blinking dazedly and the remains of the blue/green spots in their eyes went away, they saw that in the glass cylinder was something that looked like a donkey. A stuffed donkey. With a tail pinned on. And a little bow.

As the donkey looked around, bewildered, Professor Farnsworth deftly checked the Doom Molecule device thing. "Huh," he said, scratching his bald head. "It appears this thing is depressed too. Maybe I should try again…" A few more buttons were pushed, and the donkey was replaced by a long-nosed, curly-haired teen.

"Oh, I know that guy," the apparition of Perona said dismissively. "He's negative too." The teen disappeared in a flash.

"Stupid machine…maybe I put the batteries in the wrong way…" Farnsworth scuffled around to the side of the large machine and kicked it several times because that usually worked for him. Then he checked the batteries. Then he flipped them positive side up. Then he went back to the front and started operating the machine again.

"That doesn't even make sense," Nozomu commented, but it worked. Kafuka appeared in the glass cylinder in a blinding flash of light a second later. "That was pointless," Nozomu added. "She was right behind me."

"That's strange," Farnsworth mused. "It's not finding any other wildly optimistic people in the multiverse. I blame The Authoress for not knowing any other positive people!" the professor cried, dramatically shaking a wrinkly fist in the air. Kafuka just calmly opened the glass door and clambered out of the cylinder, making comments on how fun teleporting was. Marvin promptly turned on and stated that nothing was ever fun.

"Can I go back home now? It seems like a good time to," Rincewind said. "You know, with this world apparently coming to an end and all…"

"I just realized how ironic this is because I've been saying that crossovers are bad and it turns out that we need a crossover to save the world," Nozomu said. "But now I believe that with this shocking plot twist revealed, The Authoress would have to either make the world end or think up of some complex and witty way to save the world. Only she's too lazy to, so she would do something stupid instead. Like have the villain come and gloat."

The wall exploded and the body of Perona possessed by the weird evil orb thing stepped in and laughed loudly. "Hahaha, fools!" She/it cried, or at least something along those lines. She/it then proceeded to taunt the very idea that they would go against her/its plans of total annihilation of the world and pointed out how foolish it was to prolong the inevitable and probably made a remark about their mothers. "Now despair as I will wipe out this pathetic world in a wave of depression!"

"You bastard, give me back my body!" Astral-Perona stormed as she floated around helplessly. Her look of anger turned to one of amusement as her body just cackled, turned around to leave through the hole she/it created earlier, only to bounce off the giant hamster ball of Marvin, then bounce into Nozomu, then bounce into the glass cylinder that Kafuka left open. The glass door closed with a bang, making the professor, who had fallen asleep, suddenly wake up. Startled, he scratched his head and mumbled 'Hwaaah?' in a rather crotchety manner before hitting a button on his machine for no good reason.

The orb thing from Marchen Awakens Romance was teleported away to some other world and was never heard from again because The Authoress couldn't think of another way to get rid of him. It. The orb thing also conveniently left behind Perona's body, which Astral-Perona settled into gleefully.

"That didn't make sense either," Nozomu complained once he managed to steady his hamster-ball. "Can I go out now?"

"Hwaah? Oh, sure, whatever. Someone open those things, would they?"

"I will," Chiri volunteered and approached Nozomu with a rather large cleaver. She then proceeded to dramatically cut open a hole and thus scared the willies out of her teacher. Marvin accepted this same treatment unflinchingly. Rincewind decided that it was quite alright in the enclosed world of the hamster ball, but had to turn around, close his eyes, and hum really loudly when Chiri came over anyways.

"Now I guess it's time for everybody to go home now," Farnsworth said rather cheerfully. This was supposed to be the moment where all the characters from across the multiverse would hug and tearfully or manfully say that it had been a pleasure living in this universe, but they hadn't stayed for very long and they didn't particularly like each other. Rincewind in particular was very eager to leave, as he did not want to confront any other crazy girls with cleavers or worlds about to be destroyed.

"Great, send me home first," he said. After the Wizzard left in a hurry, Perona transported to her own universe, claiming that this place "was stupid." Farnsworth had to kick Marvin in (resulting in a stubbed toe and possibly an almost broken leg) because the robot simply lamented how it made no difference where he went and how every universe was the same and so on. The professor was last, of course, and he gave very vague instructions (because he couldn't remember them well himself) for somebody to teleport him back while he stood in the glass cylinder.

"There, now all is right in the world," Nozomu sighed. "Finally, the horrible crossover is over." Kafka giggled because saying 'crossover is over' sounds funny.

"That was fun," the positive girl said.

"Even the part where you almost got depressed?"

"It gave me a whole new interesting perspective."

"Sensei," Matoi said.

"Oh yes, you were here…"

"Always. But that's not the point," said the stalker. "What should we do about this weird machine?"

"Hm? Eh. I dunno. Destroy it." Chiri immediately did so with a large, rusty spade. The building made a dramatic explosion as the cast left it, walking slowly in a very dramatic way. It was very cool-looking.

What a crappy story with such a crappy ending…


	3. Almost Everybody Dies

Before I start this chapter, I must say that the randomly original character that graces this particular chapter doesn't belong to me. It belongs to my friend. Her penname is Quandtuniverse. Yeah. I only stole her character and poked her. Or something. Yeah.

Also, this is short. Terribly short. I apologize.

* * *

"Good morning, class," Itoshiki Nozomu greeted his students abnormally normally. That is, he greeted his students in a normal way, which was slightly abnormal. The class waited for him to start on a rant about the government or cats or the price of produce these days, but the teacher did not speak.

The students then proceeded to commit acts that concerned students usually do when their teacher does not act as he does usually.

They talked very loudly amongst themselves as if he wasn't there.

After a few minutes of this, during which Nozomu contemplated despairing loudly about the youth always talking (except for Meru, of course) these days, the students also noticed something else rather concerning. There was a woman standing beside Nozomu, smiling as if she enjoyed nothing more than staying by this man's side.

_And it wasn't Matoi._

This startling fact made the students talk to each other in a much louder voice. Matoi jumped out from under her teacher's desk and angrily confronted the new woman, asking her who the hell she was and what the hell she thought she was doing and why was she appearing to do her job, but Nozomu assured the stalker that he would get to that in just a bit if everybody would kindly shut up, which they did eventually.

"Now, I'm a little reluctant to say this, but I've been shown sufficient proof and I've found that I cannot run away from it, so I believe I should announce this. Apparently, I'm married." The students were in a vocal sort of frenzy now, whispering quite loudly to one another. Chiri caught something in the teacher's announcement that didn't quite agree with her.

"Apparently? _Apparently?!_" she roared, standing up so quickly that her chair clattered to the ground. Matoi had also stood up with a look that suggested some kind of objection and the two girls approached their teacher in a rather menacing way. "How could you not know you've been married!? Was this even a proper marriage?!"

"Sensei, I've never even seen this woman before! You've never mentioned or met her! I'm sure of it! You didn't even claim you were married in your census forms!"

"If she hasn't been living under your roof, and if you yourself didn't even know of it, then this couldn't have been a proper marriage! I demand that you do it again! Properly!"

"I don't like this too, you know," Nozomu said uneasily. "I mean, I already have a stalker and several other girls who apparently love me but never really bring it up much, and that was okay, but a wife? I can't handle commitment! In fact, commitment is such a hard thing for one to do in this time and place! Many people make their oaths, to be together 'until death do us part,' but then what about divorces? Also, many fanfiction writers promise that they would keep writing their stories, but then mysteriously stop right in the middle! What happened to commitment?!" The screen behind the teacher changed to a pleasing color and several more examples of this commitment problem flashed by, but they were too fast to catch and fanfictions, unfortunately, do not have pause buttons and also, The Authoress couldn't think of any other examples.

"Sensei," Kafka started, but was interrupted.

"And that's another thing. You said you'd call me Pink Supervisor, but you suddenly stopped! What happened?!"

"I called you Pink Supervisor last chapter," the girl pointed out cheerfully.

"No, I'm talking canon here. You stopped almost immediately afterwards. Also, you never paid me for that one…"

"Well I can start again, if you'd like," Kafka offered.

"No, it's okay," Nozomu hastily replied, making one wonder why he brought it up in the first place. "But anyways, as much as I'd like to continue this discussion about commitments, we must continue with this chapter. This new character hasn't even gotten a lengthy description yet."

Nozomu's 'wife' now stepped forward gracefully, pushing past Matoi and Chiri lightly. Now that everybody was actually looking at her, they noticed that she was extremely beautiful and looked impossibly young, fresh from college at the most, and that was stretching it. She appeared to be sparkling. Think Armstrong sparkles. She had flawless pale skin with rosy cheeks and red, full lips and a slender build hidden under the silk, exquisitely made kimono that she probably made herself. The kimono was blue and the design is not important. A close up of her face revealed thin eyebrows that arched pleasantly and purple eyes and blue hair that was flowing to her left, even though there was no wind. All this was natural, of course. The boys were immediately stricken except for Jun, who was busy reading. The girls immediately wish they were her, although there were some that were stricken as well. Matoi and Chiri were immediately jealous, as they are supposed to be the jealous bitches of this chapter, though they found it practically impossible to bear ill will towards the woman because she was just so darn adorable.

"Hello, I'm Itoshiki Nozomu's wife. We've been married now for a few years," the beautiful woman said. "My name is Itoshiki Suki. To save readers the trouble of looking the kanji up, my name means 'perfect' when compressed. I work as a baker and my cupcakes are very delicious." The boys silently said that they were sure whatever she made were delicious. "I decided to marry Nozomu because…well, I guess that's a secret for now." Suki hugged Nozomu's arm in a way that sickened Matoi, Chiri, Nozomu (somewhat), and several fans reading this.

"And what is the proof of your marriage?" Chiri demanded. Suki immediately took out a few pieces of very official looking papers that said very clearly on them 'Certificate of Marriage,' 'Suki and Nozomu are married now,' and 'They're married, okay? Get over it' in large, official-looking, blocky letters. There were also pictures of the two at the alter, which Nozomu immediately denied going to. "I'm not even religious," he said, but did not launch himself into a rant about religion as he usually would. Obviously, the shocking news of this shocking marriage was shockingly taking its tolls on him. Chiri checked these over and reluctantly said that these were very valid evidence of the marriage. Suki shoved them away somewhere, her light-blue hair flowing peacefully.

"Maybe you have proof, but that still doesn't explain why I never saw or heard of you," Matoi hissed. "Because of my Deep Love, I've investigated every single one of sensei's relations and their families and people he's been in contact with, and your name doesn't pop up anywhere." The stalker smirked at the absolutely perfect girl in a 'ha, take that' kind of way. Suki's hair merely flicked demurely in the non-wind as she continued to smile softly in that kind and understanding way.

"I went on a long quest to help save all endangered species as well as the rainforests and the environment in general, and visited Africa to help the poor people there as well as various other things that I cannot remember right now." These words were met by calls of 'That's Suki for ya!' and 'Way to go!'

"You don't even know her yet!" Chiri fumed.

"Sensei," Matoi abruptly said. "You've found yourself a very nice woman."

"…Ha…?" Nozomu replied, hoping that his stalker wasn't about to say what he thought she was about to say.

"I wish you two much happiness in the future," the stalker girl said, smiled proudly at her teacher, and then left.

"Wha-wha-whaaa?" Chiri stuttered, surprised to find herself suddenly alone and even more surprised that Matoi would give up Nozomu that easily. The straight-haired girl looked desperately around at the class again for any kind of support, but only met adoring faces. Even Mayo Mitama seemed unwilling to cause any harm to the absolutely perfect blue-haired woman.

"Wha-wha-whaaa?" Nozomu said as well, because he was really counting on Matoi's stubbornness to get him out of this mess. He looked concernedly towards the absolutely perfect-in-every-way girl, then towards Chiri and silently cheered her on.

Chiri found herself in a rare situation where she was unsure. Being proper all the time, she had to be sure of everything. She couldn't hesitate for a second because then something might go wrong. But here she found herself hesitating. No, Chiri told herself. Either do one thing or do the other. It's not that hard. The problem right now is that woman. Now do what is proper.

Her brain kept urging her that the proper thing right now was to keep arguing and maybe kill the blue-haired woman. But some weird invisible force was stopping her, possibly The Authoress's powers. So she simply stood there looking stupid and baffled. "The…the official documents were all properly filled out," she said uneasily.

"I also always do everything properly and perfectly," Suki added cheerfully.

"I'm the only one who does that!" Chiri howled. She tried to howl with fury, but found she could not, and suddenly jumped out the window, weeping.

"Uh," Nozomu said, realizing that his classroom was fairly high up. (Do not question this, even if the classroom has never been fairly high up before.)

"Well," Suki smiled sweetly. "It looks like your students like me very much." She waved a perfectly formed arm towards the class who were generally admiring her respectfully.

"No wait," Nozomu said hastily. "Kudo-san!" he shouted towards the boy in the back. Jun looked up from his book. "Do you like this woman?" Jun's eyes swept sideways towards Suki and he shrugged.

"She's nice," the boy said, then went back to his book.

"That counts," Suki sparkled smugly, her hair still waving in the non-wind. "Trust me, nobody can resist my aura."

"I can," Nozomu pointed out.

"Eh, that doesn't matter. You'll have to let down your guard sometime. Besides, the bet was if your students opposed me and expressed extreme dislike towards this sudden marriage announcement, then I would file a divorce and you would never hear from me again." Suki latched her perfect arms around Nozomu's waist and seductively whispered in his ear, "Come on, relax and let my aura suppress you…" The teacher was almost lulled, but he shook out of the trance and jumped away.

"Wait! I'm not done yet!" Nozomu shouted loudly and ran away. Suki smiled at the students, as if she was apologizing for her husband's behavior even though she didn't have to, and followed slowly.

"Komori-san!" Nozomu shouted as soon as he entered his house.

"Hai?" said hikikomori responded, poking her head out of the closet.

"This woman married me, how do you feel?" the teacher immediately asked, pointing over to the smiling Suki beside him. Kiri stared at the girl through her hair.

"Sensei…I really liked you, you know," Kiri said. Nozomu was about to pump his fist in the air victoriously, but stopped himself.

"'Liked…?'"

"Yes. But you see, Majiru-kun and I are now a couple. The fans really wanted it, I think. But I'm happy that you found somebody to be with, sensei." Kiri smiled, but Nozomu really didn't care about that right now.

"Curse this society where people feel obliged to answer their fans' every whim!" Nozomu cried as he ran outside again, knowing he had lost the bet.

"But of course you lost," Suki said, appearing suddenly in front of the hapless teacher, who wildly skidded to a stop to avoid crashing into the perfect woman. "Do you really think you had a chance with a Mary-Sue?" She giggled, but though it was a light and absolutely perfect giggle, it had a cruel tint to it.

"I wouldn't have taken the bet if I knew you were a Mary-Sue…" Nozomu moped.

"Aw, don't be that way," Suki moved closer and grabbed Nozomu's hand. "We are having a wedding party soon. All your students will be there. It's at the XXXX Church. We can't be late, you know."

"Why would you want a wedding party if we're already apparently married?" Nozomu sighed.

"Oh, no reason. I thought it would be fun." Nozomu had no time to be suspicious and extremely paranoid, for Suki was now pulling him along and it was taking all his willpower to not trip and fall and to get his legs to catch up with his arm.

The XXXX Church was a very fancy church. For some reason, the place was already decorated with a banner and tables loaded with cupcakes. There were chocolate cupcakes, as well as those ordinary cupcakes that couldn't be called vanilla because they simply aren't vanilla and couldn't be called white because they're more yellowish and that would sound racist, and for some inexplicable reason, blue cupcakes. They all had skull icing on them for some reason.

All of Nozomu's class was there except for Chiri whom we will assume is dead. Even Kiri. Majiru had tagged along as well.

"The cupcakes are cute," one boy mentioned.

"No! No they aren't! How are cupcakes with skulls on them cute?!" Nozomu shouted. He was immediately ignored.

"I made all the food," Suki commented, sparkling lightly. All the boys except Kudo immediately clamored to taste the food, as anything made by Suki surely must be absolutely delicious and they had to try it.

A few minutes later, they all collapsed because the cupcakes had been poisoned.

"Oh my, I wonder how that happened," Suki trilled innocently while all the remaining students just nodded in agreement.

"Maria has built up immunity to a lot of poisons," Maria said as she ate the cupcakes herself.

Nozomu threw his hands up in the air. "Oh come on! Nobody finds any of this even remotely suspicious?!"

"Noooooooo…" was the reply. "Should we be?"

"Oh forget it."

"Well, I guess we'd better get rid of all the cupcakes and the bodies," Suki sparkled cheerfully and started to toss the bodies of various male students out the window. Some of the girls helped too. "Now that that's done, why don't we try the other food?"

A while later, the only ones left alive were Kafka, Maria, Nami, and Mayo.

"Oh my, it turns out the other food I cooked were mysteriously poisoned as well," Suki chuckled.

"How weird," Kafka grinned.

"Argh," Nozomu groaned.

Nami suddenly tripped and fell out a window and died.

"Wow, what a coincidence," Suki said just as she slit Maria's throat with a cleaver she happened to have. Mayo spontaneously combusted. Kafka remained unharmed and breathing.

Nozomu finally found his voice and said, "Why are you killing everybody?!"

"My Mary-Sue powers don't last forever, you know. Best to kill off every opponent before they regain their senses…" Suki licked some of Maria's blood off of the cleaver. "It doesn't really matter what I do to her though," the blue-haired woman shrugged towards Kafka, who was just standing there smiling like an idiot. "But for The Authoress, I had to make sure she wouldn't destroy me upon entry to this fanfiction…so you know what I did to her?"

"That's it! I'm leaving this world! It's better to die than to be with you!" Nozomu jumped out the window, narrowly missed hitting Nami's body, and hit his head on the sidewalk.

He was slightly bruised, but that was it.

As he sat up, rubbing his head and trying to figure out what went wrong, Suki appeared next to him, still holding the cleaver. She giggled in an erotically eerie way. "Silly Nozomu. I wouldn't let you die. I was created to love only you."

"Please! Let me die!" Nozomu sobbed.

"Come on, don't you want to know what I did? It's not all that horrible, really."

"No! I don't want to know! Just let me die!"

"All I had to do was make sure her writing skills deteriorated. Bad writers naturally add in Mary-Sues. Do you wanna know how I did that?"

"Shut up shut up shut up! I'm not listening!"

"I managed to make her read Eragon over and over and over again."

"Please, just stab me! Here! In the heart! Here! I'm pointing it out for you!"

"Nozomu," Suki purred, moving in closer, still wielding the cleaver menacingly. "Come, I just want to love you…"


	4. Everybody Dies

WARNING! WARNING! DANGER! DANGER!

The following scenes might make you uncomfortable. Either that or make you cry with laughter (I hope) you sick person, you. If you do start feeling uncomfortable, turn away! Turn off your monitor! If you're too horrified to do that, then throw your computer with the power of adrenaline! Then hurry and drink some alcohol or good ol' bleach to forget all about the nastiness.

If you are going to steel yourself and read through this whole crap, then you will be glad to know that it's actually pretty short. You might start vomiting blood though. I died from just writing the thing myself!

...But I got better.

If you do survive, please insert reviews at the end of the chapter. I do not accept complaints though.

...Okay, I'm done.

* * *

"Today is simply a beautiful day!" Nozomu cried joyfully as he skipped and leaped and did other joyful actions on the simply beautiful day. As he joyfully skipped and leaped and blah blah blah on his way to school, the sickeningly joyful teacher picked some flowers and helped a cat down a tree and did other sickeningly joyful things.

Halfway to the school he worked at, Mr. Itoshiki realized that he had contracted the horribly fatal disease known as OOC.

He would have despaired, only he had OOC so he instead felt passively and disgustingly neutral. He was about to say 'this sucks' but realized he didn't care either way and simply shrugged and continued walking to school.

Matoi was quick to notice how strangely her one true love was acting, as she was the overly obsessive stalker. She knew that her one true lover liked pineapples, had an odd fear of porcelain, and always had a sudden urge every three hours to play the piano and spontaneously sing Broadway musical songs. She also knew that he would never skip and hug trees. And he would never be so sickeningly neutral. He always lived his life in perpetual despair.

"Gasp!" Matoi said, putting a hand to her mouth. "Oh poor sensei! He must have…OOC!" DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!

The stalker jumped out of the tree she had been hiding in and slowly skulked after her teacher. She thought hard about what was going on. OOC (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN) was known to be highly contagious. One only had to touch Nozomu to contract the highly fatal disease. And he was walking right towards his class, where he would doubtlessly spread his disease to all the students, who would in turn spread it to anybody they knew, and so on and so forth until the whole world was infected.

Matoi looked around. There was nobody else. Not even a cheerful housewife doing some kind of gardening thing and whistling cheerfully.

Okay, then it was up to her to stop her teacher from infecting the rest of the world. Without touching him. Even if she always thought of touching him night and day.

So…a plan. Yes, she had to think of a plan. Well, she could run ahead to school and warn the other students before Nozomu arrived. But that would involve leaving her teacher and…uh…she had to supervise him in case…uh…he went ahead and skipped somewhere else. (Not because she would never ever think of leaving his side for one second and she would die, first figuratively, then literally, if she did. Honest.)

With absolutely perfect timing, Chiri walked around the block and neared Matoi, staring intently at her watch. Matoi watched the long-haired girl for a bit, then decided that her classmate was trying to arrive to school at exactly the right time.

"Chiri, great! You're here! I need your help." Chiri glanced up, but still seemed to have most of her attention on her watch.

"Hello. Please don't bother me. I'm trying to arrive at school at exactly the right time to run in just when the bell rings. I have to start running at a certain time, or else I will arrive too late."

"That's not important right now," said Matoi, who then received an incredulous glare from Chiri.

"Not important! Well, I – "

"No, listen! Sensei has suddenly contracted the horribly fatal disease, OOC!" (DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN) This news was shocking enough to even silence Chiri. "And look! He's heading up to the school right now, where he can infect everybody else!" The stalker pointed to Nozomu, who was either obliviously unaware of all the shouting and DUN DUN DUUUUUUNing going on behind him or he didn't give a rat's ass.

"Hm, that is quite a problem serious enough to be the plot of this chapter," said Chiri, though she glanced at her watch for a second. "I believe it is now my job to go and warn the others before our infected teacher spread his horrible disease, right?" Matoi nodded quickly. "Okay." The girl continued walking slowly besides Matoi.

"…Are you going?" The stalker asked impatiently.

"Well, yes, but I have to make it dramatic enough. I have to get ahead and arrive exactly ten seconds before him and announce the whole thing. Then he can kill me and I can topple forward in slow motion and everybody would freeze and then start screaming and running everywhere while he kills them all with hyper-beams one by one."

Matoi started looking around hopefully for any other late students.

"By the way," Chiri continued calmly, "You're acting quite oddly. For yourself, anyways. Usually you're in the background, staring. Now, it's as if you're actually an important character. You're even talking to me. I don't think you've ever done that in the anime…"

"Gasp," Matoi said again, because what Chiri said was right. "Oh no, perhaps I have just gotten infected by sensei!" Quickly, she checked to see if she still loved him.

…

…

…Yes, she did. Whew. "…I think it's a minor infection. Not lethal."

"Oh look, there's the school. I've got to time this exactly, so I'll run ahead now." And she was off. The events that happened afterwards are not that interesting. It involved Nozomu idly observing Chiri as she ran past and him thinking about the sun and _not_ about suicide or despair and so on. Matoi just walked behind her snuggle-bunny as always.

Moving on – The class of our ill-fated Nozomu were just milling about inside because class hadn't started yet. Everybody was doing something. The minor characters we don't care about suddenly were killed off by a very selective werewolf.

After the werewolf dragged all the bloody carcasses to its lair of doom, the door burst open and was flung off its hinges very dramatically, made more dramatic by the fact that it was a sliding door and those don't have hinges whatsoever. The class grew silent and stared at the perfect girl who was breathing heavily in a dramatic way, as if she had been running for a long time instead of from near the entrance of the school to the class.

"Crap, my timings a little off," she muttered before breathing heavily again. Kudo got bored and went back to reading his book. "Friends!" the girl cried. "Comrades! I've come to warn you of the impending danger! Our teacher! He has been infected by…OOC!" (DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN)

Meru quickly typed 'That's very annoying and that gag has stopped being funny since…oh, I don't know, the first hundred times it was used? So unoriginal. Get hit by a train, stupid Authoress.'

"Quick!" Chiri added, looking over her shoulder quickly. "He's coming! Run! Save yourselves!"

"But that door is the only exit," Rin pointed out, "and ever since chapter three, this classroom is on the third level and we can't escape out the window unless you want to fall to your death."

"Don't worry!" Kafuka beamed, jumping up and making her chair fall onto the body of some guy the werewolf missed. "We can explode the walls! And anybody who brought an umbrella can surely jump out the window with it and slow their fall! At the most, they'd get a few broken bones!"

"It doesn't work that way," Rin said. "And how would we break the walls?"

"Let's ask Mayo-chan!" Everybody immediately turned to the girl who obviously wasn't evil. Her evil-looking eyes glared back. "You do have explosives, right?" Mayo nodded. She had planned on sending a letter-bomb to her teacher. "Great! Let's use it!"

"It's too late! With all your stupid and meaningless chatter, he hath come!" Chiri clutched her stomach as if she had been stabbed and fell to the floor, revealing Nozomu behind her.

"I only touched her," he said.

There was a long silence.

"Okay, let's break down the walls!" Kafuka cheered.

"Have fun with that," Rin said from the window. She opened an umbrella, jumped off, and gracefully floated down, thus escaping the danger. She made her way out of the chapter and bought an expensive yacht to sail to a remote island full of three-headed monkeys. She didn't even get any broken bones.

"No breaking of anything will go on today!" Nozomu roared. This was actually so intimidating that everybody immediately sat in their seats and straightened their backs. Meru didn't have anything to type at all. Jun was no longer reading. Chiri even stopped her 'dead' act. "I can't believe it! Stuck with this failing class! You will all have to work harder to actually graduate. Let's study for a very important test tomorrow that you must get a passing grade on or else you will fail and will be held back. Again."

"S-study?" The class wailed.

"This is bad," Harumi observed. "I don't think I've ever studied before. Usually all we get is a rant about something and we go home." There were murmurs of agreement to this. "…Let's mutiny."

"Wait! We can't!" Chiri said fearfully from her desk. "He has OOC! If we touch him then…"

"Well, I'm not going to sit around here and _learn_ something." Kaere stood up and headed towards the door. Nozomu didn't stop her because he suddenly felt like kissing someone. Very badly. Luckily, there was a handy supply of girls. The teacher grabbed Kaere's arm just as she was about to go through the door. The foreigner was very surprised at how strong her teacher was, even though his arms were so thin, that she forgot all about lawsuits of sexual harassment. As she turned around, Nozomu pulled her closer, and they kissed for a long time.

Matoi was devastated.

When they finally parted, they looked into each other's eyes in a very meaningful way. "I love you," said Nozomu. "I know that you only ever threatened to sue me, even when I saved your life once, but as soon as I didn't drop you off the roof of the school, I knew I loved you."

"B-but…" Kaere looked away to the side, blushing. She actually might have been Kaede. "Is it okay for a teacher to marry a student?"

"Most people find that just plain wrong," Kafuka piped up cheerfully, "But I think everybody should be free to do whatever they want. Like polygamy."

"I'll never leave you…" Nozomu whispered and leaned forward for another kiss.

"No! Stop! Sensei, please don't do this to me!" Surprisingly, this outburst came from Kudo, who was usually such a quiet and laid-back guy.

"Wh-what?"

"Sensei! The truth is…I've been keeping it a secret, but the truth is…I love you!" Nozomu dropped Kaere in surprise and she started thinking about lawsuits again. Matoi gave out another outraged cry. "When I was reading books, all that time, I was really sneaking glances towards you! I love you so much, I don't even know why I love you! But there should be no reasons for love!"

"Oh, why haven't I noticed before?!" Nozomu cried before striding towards Kudo. Kaere lay completely forgotten on the floor. "Of course! Now I realize it! I love you too! Because your stories are just too good!" And then they kissed. Harumi quickly drew the scene.

"B-but…" Kaere sat up slowly and watched the scene before her with sadness. She was the one in Kudo's place, not too long ago. A few seconds ago, actually. And now she had been tossed aside. The girl started silently crying. "…I thought you loved me…"

"…Kaere…" The blonde girl looked up, blinking away tears. There was a comforting bandaged hand on her shoulder now. "…Please don't cry. It makes me sad." Abiru sat down besides her and hugged her tightly. "Don't worry about sensei. You can always sue him later."

"B-but…I don't want to sue him…" Kaere sobbed, making Abiru's shirt all wet.

"…Kaere? I love you." The foreigner pulled away, staring at the bandaged girl with wide blue eyes.

"Oh," cried Kaere. "I love you too!" And she hugged Abiru again, crying loudly on her shoulder, showing compassion she had never shown before because she had been a ruthless suing machine. Her love for Nozomu was completely forgotten.

"…S-sensei…why? Why did it turn out like this? Oh, I should have known…from stalking him, I should have known he was in the closet…but I didn't. What a foolish fool I am…" Matoi slid down the chalkboard and finally was crouched next to the wall, her arms around her knees. "What do I do now? I can't kill myself, even if I want to. There is nobody for me to kill myself with…"

"Don't worry! There is hope!" The blindingly cheerful voice made Matoi look up into the eyes of Kafuka. Ignoring the way they simply screamed, 'Killkillkillkill,' her eyes were beautiful. Matoi never noticed it before.

"What hope is there for me? I've loved and I've been loved…but I'm always tossed away in the end."

"You just haven't found the right person yet!" Kafuka replied, kneeling down and smiling.

"…I see. Will you help me find this…right person?" The stalker, overwhelmed with horniness, leaped onto Kafuka and they proceeded to kiss as well.

A girl nobody had ever seen before jumped into the room. "Nozomu! I love you! I know I'm just an OC somebody made, and I know I've just met you, but I love you deeply!"

"Gosh," said Nozomu. "I've never seen you before, but you're hot. I love you too!"

Kino decided that his rivalry with Jun was actually sort of like the kind of rivalry where the rivals end up loving each other and started hitting on his ex-rival.

Usui managed to be noticed and Chiri was immediately attracted to him.

Reinbeck leaped into the room, saw Abiru on the floor with Kaere, and made out with Meru for no reason. "Oh, Reinbeck! I love you too! I love you so much, you've prompted me to speak!" Mayo stabbed the tiger, threw his lifeless corpse out the window, and grabbed Meru. "You killed him! You killed my love!" The petite girl wailed.

"But only because I love you."

"You killed him! I'll never love anybody other than that bold tiger! But you're actually human, so I'll forgive you. Let's kiss." And so they did.

Kumeta arrived on the scene. "This is the reason why the cast is mainly girls," he said. Then he left.

Because my eyes are bleeding just from writing this, I'll end this crap now.

By the end of the day, the fatal effects of OOC finally set in. They all snapped out of their OOCness. Realizing the horror of what they had done during their bouts of OOCness, they killed themselves. And that is why OOC is fatal.

YOU'VE READ IT, YOU CAN'T UN-READ IT!

Thank god it's short.

THE END!


	5. It's Time to Save the World!

Their names are Chiri, Meru, Nami, Kafuka, Kaere, and Maria.

This is their story: the story of some average high-school girls who just happen to have super powers and fight crime when they're not doing something else.

It started out as a normal trip to the candy store after school. The six girls pushed into the store, chatting happily as a bell tingled somewhere above them. The air smelled of sugar and air conditioning and they all immediately started browsing around for delicious and teeth-rotting treats such as Swedish Fish and stuff.

The man behind the counter greeted them apathetically, probably because he was wearing a silly paper hat. "Welcome to the Zetsumei Candy Store. I'm Zetsubou. Go ahead and take whatever you want, except for these gumballs over here." He pointed to six differently colored gumballs under a glass dome that was right in front of him. The glass dome had a sign balanced on it that sported the words 'DO NOT CHEW.'

"Hey," said Nami from the gummy section. "Aren't you our teacher at school?"

"No. Shut up and get your candy." Suddenly, something unspecific happened and Zetsubou went somewhere behind a mysterious door that had an 'Employees Only' sign, but before he went out of sight, he said, "And don't you dare eat those gumballs."

Of course, being human, the six girls immediately ran towards the gumballs when Zetsubou shut the door behind him. (It is human nature to immediately think of pink elephants when somebody tells you to not think of pink elephants. If there is a button that bears a sign warning everybody not to push it for it will trigger an explosion huge enough to destroy the world, a human would probably push it only seconds after reading the sign. You never have this kind of problem with cats or elephants or chimpanzees for some odd reason. Scientists predict that the end of the world will be brought about by a curious human and the last words ever uttered will be 'What does this thingy do?')

"I don't see anything special about these things," Kaere said haughtily as the girls lifted the glass dome and carelessly tossed it somewhere behind them. Instead of shattering into a thousand pieces, it made a loud 'thunk' on the floor and bounced away like a terrified, bouncing puppy.

"Well, a lot of drugs don't look very special."

"Maybe these are drugs. Like, marijuana or something."

"That's stupid. Nobody would just leave that kind of stuff lying around where anybody could see them."

"Also, aren't you supposed to put that stuff in your nose? Hey…" Nami said, looking back at the gum again. "One's missing."

"Oh! Maria ate one because she was hungry!"

"My uncle got arrested for smuggling drugs," Kafuka started, taking a gumball. "So maybe they're smuggling drugs in gumballs, like my uncle. Only he put his drugs somewhere else where he was sure the police wouldn't find it."

"Hey, even though they're suspicious and we'd also be stealing, let's chew this gum," Chiri suddenly said. Everybody agreed and all the drug-related stuff was immediately forgotten. Then Zetsubou returned, looking sour as usual.

"Apparently I won the lottery," he announced sourly to nobody in particular before noticing that the glass dome and all the gum under it was missing. "Hey!" he shouted. "The gum! You ate it!"

"After you specifically told us not to, we couldn't help it," said Nami rather calmly as she chewed.

Zetsubou started pulling his hair, frustrated, and turned around for a bit to compose himself. It didn't work. "You don't understand!" he roared as he turned around again. "Those were poisoned! I was about to eat those! I've lost all faith in humanity again!" The girls slowly stopped chewing and spat out the gum, but it was too late. Somehow, through some kind of weird thing that cannot be explained through normal logic, the poison made them develop stomach ulcers and they all coughed up blood and died.

…Let's try that again.

"You don't understand!" Zetsubou roared as he turned around, developing a strange sense of déjà vu. "That gum gives people superpowers!"

There was a silence, and finally Kaere said, "That's stupid. If the gum really was that important, then you're supposed to lock them up in a safe or something."

"Well, yeah, I know. But then my super-locking titanium safe broke and this job doesn't pay enough to replace it. But don't change the subject! The point is that you ate the gum and now you have super powers!"

"Why are you so upset about this anyways? We ate the gum. So what?" Chiri fumed.

"Uh…well, you got super powers." Zetsubou said again, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm just very angry, okay? But even though I'm very angry, I've decided that, instead of calling the police and suing or at least complaining to your parents, I'm going to train you to be superheroes." The girls stared at him for a while, and a breeze flew in and somehow didn't lift Kaere's skirt. But it did bring in some very dramatic sakura petals.

"Us? Superheroes? I…it's so…" Nami stuttered, though the others seemed quite unfazed.

"Yes, yes, it's all very surprising and so on," Zetsubou interrupted, waving a hand dismissively. "Now the thing is, the gum actually wasn't designed to give anything specific. You can all choose your own superpowers. Except for you, normal girl," he added, pointing to Nami (who gave a rather insulted 'Hey!' in response.) "Your power is Heart, because every superhero group needs some useless person whose only job is to stand there and…I dunno, pull some kind of power out from somewhere through the power of love or something."

"Hey, mister," Kaere suddenly said. "I feel offended. You keep saying 'superheroes' when we are all clearly female. Are you sexist? Do you think all superheroes are men? I'LL SUE!"

"Okay," Zetsubou replied, not noticeably fazed by the fact that he was in some legal danger and might lose money he didn't actually have and then get fired from his lowly job as a candy store worker and then live in the streets. "Your power is suing then."

This obviously shocked and then angered Kaere. "Hey! That's not what I meant!" But Zetsubou had already moved on. Frustrated, Kaere shouted her usual threat: "I'LL SUE!" Then a montage happened where everybody went to court and Zetsubou lost a lot of money he didn't have, but he didn't get fired because the manager turned out to be his brother.

"Well, that was pointless, though I'm glad you didn't decide to get a restraining order because that would make my job as a super…..heroine mentor very difficult. Anyways, everybody else, choose your power." The four remaining took out a remote with a few buttons, stared at them thoughtfully, and eventually pressed a button. "Okay, so you," the new superheroine mentor started, pointing to Kafuka, "…chose the power of contacting aliens and possibly making treaties with them. You," he said, this time pointing to Meru, "chose cellphone related powers. You chose the magical weapon, the Rusty Shovel, and you chose…bunnies." Zetsubou stared at Maria for a while. The tiny, cute immigrant girl smiled cheerfully back as she ate some more candy. Zetsubou decided to ignore the fact that she was stealing again. "Just bunnies? Isn't there anything in particular? Like power over bunnies or talking to bunnies or seeing bunnies…"

"Ummmmmm," Maria hummed cutely, swinging her legs as she sat on one of the high shelves. "Eating bunnies!"

"That's sort of…oh, never mind."

"No! I see the use!" Kafuka grinned, suddenly popping up. "It will help decrease the bunny population! Everybody knows there's a bunny overpopulation. Eating bunnies will surely help the economy in the long run!" Zetsubou stared at the smiling girl for a long time, but could not find a hint of a joke anywhere and had to resign to the horrible fact that she was indeed serious.

"Ooookaaaaayy…anyways, as super…heroines, you need secret identities and stupid costumes and some kind of trigger phrase to transform or something. The costume thing has already been decided upon when the gum was made, and it does not at all look like Power Rangers. You may all choose your own transforming phrase, though. Except for you, normal girl. Your transforming phrase will be an unspecified tongue twister that will change randomly every day."

"Waaaah?!" Nami protested, but to no avail because it's hard to protest when you're being ignored.

The others chose their own transforming phrases which will not be listed here because it is too troublesome.

"Now that that's done," Zetsubou said, sounding rather bored, "I'll have to train you in case the alarm goes off or something." Suddenly, a red light thing descended from the ceiling and started flashing while a wailing alarm went off. Zetsubou gasped dramatically. "That's the alarm!"

"You had an alarm?" asked one of the girls.

"That means some kind of supervillain is destroying something! Or something like that!"

"There are supervillains?"

"To the base!" And with a dramatic finger pointing skyward, Zetsubou turned around back through the 'Employees Only' door. The girls decided that they should follow. One breathlessly asked, as she ran behind everybody, "Wait! You have a base?!"

"Well," Zetsubou explained, "I was bored. And a base sounded cool at the time…"

They ran down a long set of stairs into a huge underground (it's always underground) base filled with a lot of machines that beeped and a huge screen that showed a lot of people running around screaming. The screen then zoomed in on one person specifically – a mean-faced girl, glaring directly towards the camera, holding several dangerous explosives as buildings suddenly collapsed behind her.

"You see that?" Zetsubou pointed.

"You mean the evil-looking girl with the explosives?" Chiri asked.

"Nooo, not that one. She didn't do anything. What? Did you think she was evil just because of her looks? Not good superheroine behavior." Zetsubou pressed a random button which made the camera zoom out to show a giant robot randomly crushing buildings. "Now_ that's_ the guy you need to take care of."

"_What?!_" said Chiri, outraged. "You expect us to go against a giant _robot_?!"

"…Yes. Yes I do."

"We haven't even been trained yet! You haven't taught us anything! We'll get crushed!" she shouted, playing the part of a soon-to-be-villainess perfectly. (Obviously, since she's the only one complaining.)

"Of course not. You'll know what to do when the time comes. I have faith in you. Which is pretty damn special, because I've never really trusted people. Of course, you did steal some candy, so this is probably rather misplaced faith…"

"If we're supposed to know what to do when the time comes, then what's the point of you being a mentor?" Chiri questioned, interrupting Zetsubou's thoughts. He stared at the glaring girl for a few seconds.

"….Shut up and go save the city from the evil robot that conveniently appeared."

"Right!" said most of the girls pep-ily, and they ran out the underground base, up the stairs, out the door, and right into the robot's foot. "Everybody!" shouted Kafuka, who had suddenly taken the role of leader. "Transform!" Everybody quickly said their chosen transforming phrases which will not be listed here, except for Nami, who wasn't very good at tongue twisters anyways.

"Peter pecked – Peter picked a pick…no…" she said, as her fellow heroines' clothes disappeared, briefly showing a bit of fan service before their superheroine suits appeared. And it did not have any resemblance to Power Rangers at all. "Right!" they said in a determined way as soon as the transforming sequence was done.

Unfortunately, the transforming sequence took up quite a bit of time, and the giant robot had moved on to destroy the rest of the city.

"Great," Kaere grumbled, crossing her arms. "None of us have super speed or anything."

"Wait! I know!" Kafuka said cheerfully, and then utilized her power, which, if you have forgotten, is to contact aliens. An Irken spaceship quickly came down and the hatch opened to let the girls in.

"Hey!" A small, green alien inside the spacecraft narrowed his red eyes as the girls clambered on. "You're not the Tallest! You're…dressed in weird suits!" He got up angrily, ready to kick them out.

"Alien guy, we only need you to take us to that giant robot over there, if you don't mind," said Kafuka.

"Hm?" The alien turned around to where she was pointing and was promptly knocked out by Chiri's shovel.

"Hey, there was no need for that!" Kaere protested as the small alien's body hit the floor. "I could've just threatened to sue him!"

"We had no time," said soon-to-be-villainess Chiri. "And why is there a sign saying 'Soon-To-Be-Evil' taped to my forehead?"

"Ummmm, Maria doesn't know the controls, but Maria'll just try pressing random buttons." And Maria did just that. The ship flew upwards again and sped towards the giant robot, stopping right behind its head.

Nami soon realized she had been left behind and went home.

"Good job, Maria!" said Kaere. "Now I'll use my suing powers to put this stupid thing in jail!" A legal courtroom appeared out of nowhere inside the ship. The judge slammed his cool hammer on his podium and cried, "Guilty! For destroying over half the city…your penalty is four years in jail!"

The robot heard this, turned around, and glared threateningly at the judge. The judge quivered under the cold, yellow glare and banged his gavel again. "Uh, no penalty!"

"Damn!" said Kaere. "He used my own biased legal system against me!"

"We have no choice but to use our own giant robot!" Kafuka declared, just as the Irken got up again.

"We have a giant robot?"

"That's right!" said Zetsubou. His voice was coming out of the watches on all the girls' arms. "They're all in parts, so you all have to call them together so they'll form the Super Robo Thing Mark Two to the Power of Gazillion X! Just press the button on the side of this watch, which will self-destruct in ten seconds if you don't." They all hastily pressed the button. (Nami's watch didn't self-destruct, because she wasn't wearing her superheroine suit thing.) Five giant robot parts came flying out of nowhere towards the Irken ship, shaped like various human parts. There were two arms, a head, and two legs. The Irken, who had looked out the window to see what was going on, started screaming when he realized that there appeared to be five giant robot parts about to crush his ship, and then started screaming when his ship appeared to be changing shape to form a torso.

"What is this!? What's happening!?" he screamed. "This has never happened before! My ship has never done this!"

All the parts fused to form the giant robot, and all the girls ran to the parts they were supposed to control. Nami, who was supposed to be the leader (being Heart and all) was temporarily replaced by the Irken alien, who was still rather confused about the whole thing.

"Right!" said all the girls simultaneously, startling the Irken. He was still in his own ship, which was now the torso. There was an expectant silence over the speakers, and he realized that he was supposed to make an order.

"Um. Walk towards the…other giant robot?" The two girls in the legs (Kaere and Maria) complied and both of the legs lifted at the same time, making the giant robot fall over. By this time, the evil giant robot had resumed destroying the city.

"Okay, the right leg goes first, and then the left leg." Kafuka ordered. The Irken, now knowing that he was acting as the leader for some reason, was prepared this time. "Right." Kaere moved the right leg. "Left." Maria moved the left leg. "Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Lef-ARGH, THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG! Don't you have rockets in the feet or something?!"

"Yes," Kaere and Maria replied, and immediately activated the rockets. The robot fell over again, moved jerkily around, and finally started moving towards the evil giant robot, the Irken screaming all the way. There was a collision, and the evil robot was knocked into more buildings. It got up again, glared at the other robot, and started firing lightning and shurikens. Luckily, all the lightning missed. However, the giant shurikens appeared to have been properly aimed. The Irken screamed again, and kept screaming as they got closer until he realized he was in charge again and shouted, "Shoot eye beams! You have eye beams, right?!"

"Yes," Kafuka cheerfully replied, and shot the eye beams, effectively destroying the shurikens. Because we all know eye beams beat anything.

"Now…there should be missiles…I did fit my ship with missiles, and there are always missiles in the chest cavity…" The Irken looked around his part of the robot and realized there were no controls. "…I'm just useless, aren't I."

"Well, you are the Heart," Kaere replied. "The Heart is always useless. But always the leader. The robot is coming, by the way."

"Hm? AUGH! Shoot at it! Anything! Missiles and stuff!" The heroines complied and shot at the evil giant robot. It toppled over, onto the rest of the city, crushing the remaining buildings, and then exploded.

"There! Robot defeated!" Kafuka said happily.

"Yes, yes, the evil robot has been defeated. Now…let's use this robot to TAKE OVER THIS PLANET!"

"Eeeh, no. Our job is done now. We're going back to the weird candy shop man." All the girls jumped out of the robot, un-transformed, and left. The torso turned back into the Irken's ship, and the rest of the parts flew away to parts unknown.

"…Fine," the Irken said, irritated. "But if you call me again, I _will_ shoot you." He then flew back to his own secret base.

Back in the underground base, Zetsubou said, "Well done. Though you did nothing, normal girl. I just realized, I never found out your names. Oh well, I don't really care."

Chiri, looking very foul, suddenly said, "This job was not done properly. The whole city was destroyed anyways."

"A necessary thing for the prevalence of Justice," Nozomu said dismissively.

"I hate you all, and this hate is so strong that I wish to turn evil, even though I could just simply quit, just so I can enjoy killing you all someday."

"Oh, okay. That happens now and then. You better leave," said Zetsubou, pushing the girl towards the door.

"…Can't I just kill you here? So that I won't have to be evil when I'm done?"

"No, we need a recurring villainess anyways. Well, see you later." Chiri was pushed back into the candy store and the door was slammed shut behind her. She stood there for a while, then turned around and shouted, "You do realize that I know where the secret base is, right?! I will come back! Stronger than all of you! Even stronger than your suing, and your aliens, and your cell-phone, and your Heart, and your bunny…eating…power thing! You'll see! I'll destroy you!" She left amongst staring customers.

TUNE IN NEXT TIME, FOR MORE ACTION! ADVENTURE! AND MORE ACTION! There will be flying monkeys too! The next episode will be cool! Really!

Creditrollcreditrollcreditrollcreditrollcreditroll.

END.


	6. This Is Very Short

The Teacher of Despair lectured to his class about what he knew most about. Despair. (Who knew?!) Specifically, the lecture was about how the Teacher of Despair's Wii broke today and he couldn't play Super Smash Brothers Brawl or Super Paper Mario or even Okami. He broke into tears halfway through the lecture. The class didn't pay any attention.

When Miss Bitters came in and transferred the unnecessary characters to the Underground Classroom for not paying attention, the rest of the students started looking like they were paying attention.

"…And then my car broke down, and that's what happened to me today," finished Nozomu. A sudden wracking sob exploded from under his desk.

"Th-that's so saaadd!" wailed Matoi.

"But although what happened to me today is tragic and despairing-ish, I have recently found out a startling fact that is much more important." He paused for dramatic effect. "There are people out there who think I'm cool."

There was a collective gasp.

_We Are Merely Vicious Vagabonds_

At the Wossname High School, an Anime/Whatever Club was about to end for the day when the door burst open and Nozomu walked in.

"You! Various fangirls! And maybe boys! But mostly girls!" he shouted, banging angrily on a very expensive projector. "I have something very important to say!"

The various fangirls, and maybe boys, but mostly girls, stared at the teacher and either called him Sasuke or swooned. Teacher Despair?! Here?!

Nozomu noticed the swooning girls and pointed towards them. "That's what I want to talk about! Why the hell do you think I'm hot?!"

One of the swooning girls recovered, only to shrug and go back to swooning.

"Do you honestly think that I'm handsome!? Do you honestly dream about joining my class and then doing various, silly antics with me?! Don't you realize that I'm suicidal, pessimistic, and generally the type of guy you'd never hang around with in real life?! Do you honestly think that Sanji would fall truly in love with you/your Mary Sue, even if he's a shameless womanizer?! Do you honestly think that Zoro is 'cute' and fantasize about being with him even though if you actually met him, he'd be very scary-looking?!"

The Anime/Whatever Club of Wossname High School was silent. A boy raised his hand: "Uh…whoever you are…? What exactly is this about?"

"It's about how fans like characters who have traits that are generally frowned upon in society!" Nozomu announced.

"That's not true," another boy retorted. "As soon as Sasuke turned into an ass, everybody started hating him."

"He was _already_ an ass. And there's also Bender, and Snape, and Malfoy, and Light, and Itachi, and Matt Engarde…seriously, where do all these fans come from? Do you _like_ people who would probably step all over you if they felt like it?! Why are all these people _boys_?!"

"Eh, girls," shrugged a boy. He was immediately slapped by his girlfriend.

"Why do people like Johnny? He's a homicidal maniac! He _kills_ people! He's _insane_! And Bender _threw his son into hell_!"

"Aw, but it was only to get attention from Fry…it's so sweet…" one of the girls cooed. Nozomu gave her an odd look.

"So when you want to raise your own hellish robot army just for the selfish reason to gain your friend's attention, you'd sacrifice your own son too?"

"I don't get why you're taking this so seriously. It's all just anime and fake stuff."

"Because you people always gush about how wonderful these people are when in reality, you wouldn't be able to stand one minute with them! There was actually a serial killer who women loved! Seriously! Don't you see?! By coveting smokers, womanizers, and murderers in comics and shows, we end up coveting them in real life! Soon, it'll be okay to rob a bank, as long as you have good looks!"

"Ah, but sensei!" Kafuka suddenly stood up, looking chipper as usual. Nozomu mentally prepared himself for the horrible optimism that would soon come. "Surely you can't mean that is a bad thing! To be able to readily accept polygamists, other religions, aliens who would take over our world…that would be a truly wonderful society!"

"…How is that last one good…?"

"Our loving acceptance of the people around us will make the world a better place!" And then the wall exploded, due to a VOOT ship firing laser beams at it.

Through the new hole stepped two short figures. One of them shouted, "I AM ZIIIIIM!" and revealed himself to be the Irken from last chapter. "I have come to you randomly in an act of randomness to…STEAL YOU AS SLAVES! Yes, you will all be forced to work for my upcoming conquest of doom. So…get in the bag." Here, the alien pointed to a rather small-looking and (for some reason) very moldy bag.

"Oh my gosh!" someone squealed. "It's Zim!" A loud, irritating cheer then commenced.

"Eh? Wha? STAY BACK! Get in the bag! _I said, get in the bag! _ZIM COMMANDS IT!" The short alien was unable to hold the crowd at bay. It surrounded him and threatened to trample him in their fangirlish enthusiasm. "GIR! HELP ME!"

His small, robot minion grinned stupidly and ate something. It chewed with its mouth open and showed various brown, green, and rainbow bits of whatever it was eating, immersed in its hedonistic fulfillment. Some people in the crowd said, "Aaaawwww…." (Nozomu was baffled by this.) Then GIR screamed like a monkey and randomly started shooting a gun that fired bullets of hot nacho cheese-covered piggys which burned the face of one girl and everybody laughed, except for the girl whose face was being burned horribly.

Zim, seeing that the crowd wasn't being pushed back by his useless robot, decided that he didn't want these people as his slaves. "GIR! RETREAT!" he screamed, and then hastily jumped back in his ship.

The fangirls seemed to be disappointed for a few minutes, but then went back to their more normal, non-rabid frame of mind.

"See?" Kafuka said cheerfully. "Acceptance does help!"

"…I think I'm going to give up for today." And so Nozomu turned around and left, leaving this chapter short and unfinished.


	7. Someone Left the Radio On

The Hand of the Authoress carefully charged up Her IPod. Then a Finger selected a Playlist and pressed play. It took a long time for one of Her illegally obtained songs to start, but they soon did.

_I CAN'T FEEL A THING! _blared a nondescript, typical angsty song. As soon as the song had started, Nozomu Itoshiki, our favorite little angsty teacher, was dumped into a very bland white space, usually reserved for characters in anime about to die.

_I CAN'T SEE A THING!_

"Oh, I see. This is a 'song fanfiction.' A short little drabble based on a song, usually very sad, and the actions of the characters are based on the lyrics of said song. Kind of like an anime music video for fanfiction," said the teacher, summarizing concisely what type of fanfiction the Authoress was poking fun at today. Nozomu then proceeded to look casually around at the white space that surrounded him. "I can indeed see nothing."

_CAN YOU HEAR ME SAY NOTHING?!_

"NOTHING!" shouted Nozomu. And then there was a sound like _bliboblibowaaarp _and there was silence. Nozomu was confused, as this kind of thing doesn't happen in a song fic, but figured that he should wait. Maybe the Authoress was having Technical Difficulties.

It took a few minutes, but then, _wilbowilbobinglyNow these points of data make a beautiful line_

"Oh, the song suddenly changed," commented Nozomu needlessly as he tried to figure out where the song came from. It certainly sounded more cheerful than the first one, which made him satisfied since the first song had been blowing apart his eardrums.

_And we're out of beta we're releasing on time_

Once again, Nozomu needlessly said, "Oh, it's a song from a video game. I don't understand what the lyrics mean…"

_So I'm glad I got burned _("I'm depressed, not a masochist…")_, think of all the things we learned for the people who are still alive_

"_Go ahead and leave me,_" sang Nozomu, since he really couldn't do a lot of action with the lyrics. "_I think I'd prefer to stay inside. Maybe you'll find someone else to help you…"_

"_Maybe Black Mesa. That was a joke_ I don't get it…" Despite this setback, he was soon singing the song loudly, with feeling (though he did pause once to check his pulse as the song came to _And believe me I am still alive_) and was about to finish it tearfully and hopefully go back to despairing in his classroom when Technical Difficulties arose again. The Authoress fought and cursed valiantly at Her IPod's version of the Blue Screen of Death, but to no avail. The music died off with a _wofflewangobop_.

When the music started up again, a beat produced by computers (or something started), and the white space was replaced by a lavish bedroom. Fuura was there.

"Hello, sensei!" The girl was blindingly cheerful as usual. "I'm to be your partner for this one!"

"Why do I need a partner?" asked Nozomu as the lyrics finally started. It was very loud and obnoxious rap.

_YO, I FOUND MAH GIRL AND I TREAT 'ER RIGHT._

"By the way, the Authoress really hates rap songs after listening to the same ones over and over again on her old school bus's radio," Kafuka said. This was a _totally_ unrelated comment and has absolutely _nothing_ to do with the rap song playing in this song fic right now. Really.

_I TAKE 'ER HOME AND I blank 'ER ALL NIGHT_

"What was that blanked out word there?!" Nozomu had a right to be worried, because he was suddenly naked.

"Also, the Authoress does not mean to sound racist," the cheerful and naked girl beside him continued.

_AND THEN I blank blank blank blank FOR THAT I GOT ARRESTED FRIDAY NIGHT_

"Not only did the Authoress rhyme 'night' with 'night,'" said Chiri, suddenly bursting into the bedroom. She was also rather naked, which prompted the line, _THEY FOUND I WAS HOUSING ORGIES THAT I blank blank blank._ "She is also mixing up her commentary on fanfiction tropes with commentary on music! This irritates me! Stop it immediately!"

"Ooooh, there are no censors in fanfiction!"

"AAAAAAAAARRRRGH," screamed Nozomu. His mind was now seared with the image of two naked students. This may seem like a good thing to some perverts reading this, but let's just assume that Nozomu happened to be afraid of naked women at the moment.

"By the way, the Authoress does not mean to offend perverted fanboys," said Kafuka.

Then there was another _shakamatrplesbious_ and the rap song, called _blank blank blank_, ceased to exist. Nozomu was once again dumped into the white space, fully clothed once more. (Sorry ladies.)

He immediately stopped screaming and dropped the knife that he had been about to gorge his eyes out with. And now with nothing to do, he nervously awaited the next song, wondering what the Authoress's IPod would spew out next.

_繋いだ魂の灯が　胸を指すな__ら_

"Oh come on," said Nozomu, his apprehension turning into annoyance. "Nobody can understand that. You're going to force your readers to look up a translation website!"

_言葉よりもっと　強い響きが　今　聞こえる__か_

"Now I'll have to give them a hint." Nozomu turned towards the screen in the way that one would break the fourth wall. "It's a Soul Eater opening."

_大切なもの　守ってる 僕たちは 未来に向かって　先を急げ_！

"Hey, you just changed the song!" complained the very whiny teacher.

_いますぐに 夢というもの　追いかけて行こ__う_

"And they're obviously from your two favorite animes!" The very anal Mr. Despair continued to rant, too busy to even notice the degrading adjectives the Authoress started using for him. "What kind of meaningful actions am I supposed to do if nobody can understand the lyrics?! And how am I supposed to represent them?! I don't know how to represent 'hurrying to the future!' Or 'chasing dreams!'"

_ポテトポテトポテトポテトポテトポテトポテトポテト_

"Now you're just spouting nonsense!" shouted a very frustrated and overreacting Nozomu, who, unlike most of the Authoress's readers, could understand Japanese. He continued spazzing about how the Authoress shouldn't do this or that while the music went _bzzzrtbzzzrrrtbzzzrt _once more.

The song that came up next made Nozomu pause in his rant.

"…The _William Tell Overture_?!" he cried out as the music continued playing. Because the music didn't actually have lyrics, it could only be described as _Dadadunh dadadunh dadadun dun dun! Dadadun dadadun dadadun dun dun!_

"What the hell am I supposed to do with music without any meaningful lyrics that nobody can hear!? That's just like a regular fanfiction, only interrupted randomly with 'dadaduns'!"

_Dadadadun dadadadun dadadadun dun dun!_

The Authoress decided that She did not feel like playing music anymore. She also decided that something was wrong with Her IPod, as She never put any of these songs on It. So instead, She decided to watch Futurama on It.

"Hey, wait!" shouted Nozomu, noticing Her intentions. "At least put me back in the classroom before – "

"…_The only sound is Bender callin' everyone a jerk as he swings! And there it goes! Into the water! Aww!"_


	8. So Long

"Hm." A certain teacher leaned back in his chair, which was quite comfortable, and puzzled over this recent puzzle. "It seems that the Authoress has permanently run out of ideas. Perhaps this fanfiction will have to be discontinued. Even now, She is writing off the top of her head, when she should be finishing another fanfiction." The chair creaked as Nozomu Itoshiki rocked back and forth in the extremely comfortable chair. He then wondered who the hell he was talking to.

Suddenly, Kafuka burst in, waving a sheet of paper. "I shall save this fanfiction from its untimely demise, for all the fans of this fanfiction! All three of them!" Because of her dramatic entrance, the fanfiction's rating went up two points and viewership increased tenfold. "Teacher! Here, I have a printed list of Fanfiction tropes from TV Tropes, which we can look at and then make fun of!"

"Really? Looks like we'll have to get to work then. What's the first one?" This chair was very comfortable. He should probably buy one. Or steal it out of school to enjoy in the comforts of his home. Nozomu sunk into the very comfortable chair even more.

"Aaah," the perpetually grinning girl said, peering at the sheet of paper. "The first one is Dea – "

A train crashed through the school and ran over Nozomu and the very comfortable chair.

* * *

A whole bunch of girls cried over the coffin of the recently deceased Nozomu. All of them required a lot of comfort.

"The next one on the list is Angst," Kafuka informed them.

Chiri cried so much, she could probably fill eight water bottles with her tears.

Matoi cried so much, she was sent to the hospital because of dehydration.

Kiri cried so much, mostly because she had decided to sneak into the coffin.

Nozomu's death results in the decrease of readers and fans all the way to zero. The Authoress prepared to grab attentions.

Chiri grabbed her shovel and tried holding it up to her neck like a knife. "Now that my teacher is gone, I know no meaning of life! I can't go on! He was that important to me that I will be reduced to a crumpled shell of what I once was, shoved into a dark corner until some other guy saves me from the darkness of my soooouuul!"

Matoi jumped out of the ambulance and ran all the way back to the funeral procession of our rather unimportant teacher and managed to shed a few more tears. "He was so important to me! Like food! I can't live now! Mostly because of dehydration! Ooooh, teacher, I wish to join you where you are right now, which may be in Heaven, although I'm an atheist and I don't believe in Heaven!" Matoi died of dehydration.

Kiri fainted because, well, she was in a friggin' coffin with her _dead _teacher! She died of oxygen deprivation, despite the fact that the coffin had not yet been buried.

"I'm actually not dead," said Nozomu, in the hospital.

The reveal of Nozomu's non-death increases readership. Now two watermelons are reading this chapter. The Authoress gains eleven points from an unknown deity.

"Next on the list is Hurt Comfort fics," said Kafuka.

Suddenly, a savior came and swept Chiri off of her feet. Not literally, because that would be mean, and she wasn't on her feet anyways. This guy was a Mysterious Stranger type, only not, because we all already know him as Jun. He would have hugged Chiri then, but he was already holding her bridal style, so hugging was out of the question, so he just told her, "Don't cry. He's in a better place."

Chiri angsted some more before deciding to feel better. Love happened.

"By the way, the Authoress is pretty much just making unfounded criticism. She has never read a Hurt Comfort fic anyways, or most of the types of fanfiction that will be listed. Next is, Aliens Made Them Do It and IKEA Erotica."

Both Chiri and Jun were then abducted by a VOOT ship. An Irken stuffed them in a glass bubble thing that had plenty of space for the two prisoners to do the act they were about to do. The Irken held out a ray gun and ordered them to have sex for some reason. It obviously was a very important reason. Chiri and Jun complied.

IKEA EROTICA HAS BEEN CENSORED.

The alien applauded them as they put their clothes on again, and promptly killed them.

Kafuka suddenly appeared on the ship, startling the Irken. "Now it's Backstory."

The scene changed suddenly to the hospital, where Nozomu was ruminating about his life. Then the scene changed suddenly to his childhood because a flashback was occurring.

Nozomu remembered many things. He remembered how he used to be an innocent child, not depressed at all. Then he got abducted by aliens who ordered him to do inappropriate acts with a cow, and so he got depressed.

"Wait a minute! That never happened!" Nozomu cried out. A nearby nurse started to call a therapist. "I never did that! That's disgusting!"

Kafuka happened to be the therapist, and she walked in. "Now it's High School Alternate Universe."

A pause.

Nothing changed.

"I don't think we can have that kind of fanfiction when this already takes place in high school," said Nozomu, who was healing rather quickly.

"Okay then, how about this one?" Kafuka glanced down at the list still in her hand and said, "Self Insert Fic."

Immediately, a girl with ridiculously long black hair strode in, had a full and satisfying relationship with Nozomu in the span of four seconds, and walked back out.

"Revenge Fic."

Apparently, Nozomu did something very horrible during the four second relationship, because the human counterpart of the Authoress strode back in and sadistically tortured and maimed the poor teacher and strode back out. Nozomu was hospitalized again.

"A Day in the Limelight."

The story panned over to the Stick Dog, who surely had such interesting days and thus needed a fanfiction dedicated to him. Or her.

It scratched itself. Mayo came over and stuck a stick in its ass. The end.

"Aaah, we can probably do Gender Flip, Freaky Friday, Fountain of Youth and MPreg all at once," said Kafuka, eliciting a pained response from Nozomu, who suspected he was about to go through something rather horrible and scarring.

The viewership of this fanfiction is now in the negatives, and the Authoress had the two watermelons earned earlier cracked over her head. A critical hit! She loses two health points, and several dozen popularity points.

As soon as Nozomu healed, an old crone beckoned him over, promising to get rid of those horrid scars. Nozomu did not find her cackling and her ugly wart suspicious, and so let her do crazy rituals. Said crazy rituals got rid of his horrid scars, but also transformed him into…well, herself.

Nozomu, now finding herself lacking one important male part, felt emasculated. She also gained a generous female build. The wench was nowhere to be found. "Oh my," said Nozomu in her new, shrill voice. "Now I have to make several jokes about PMSing and make up and exaggerated women stereotypes!" And so she did in a way that wasn't very hilarious.

This fanfiction is now banned and spat on by all respectable fanfiction writers. Many sites make fun of this. Fans shake their heads as they wonder what they ever saw in this horrible piece of shit.

Kafuka popped from nowhere, wench in hand. The wench was cackling heavily. "Teacher! I got the witch for you! So perhaps now – " The high school girl was unable to finish her sentence because she was no longer a high school girl. The wench, having no intention of undoing her mischief, did that Freaky Friday thing and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Wow," said Kafuka (now female Nozomu), glancing down at her new, taller body. "I have bigger breasts now."

Nozomu (now Kafuka) decided to sulk in a corner until some random plot device came up and fixed the whole thing. Kafuka/female Nozomu wandered off, still admiring her new breasts.

Chiri, who apparently came back to life somehow, mistook Nozomu for Kafuka (understandably) and started dragging her into a forest that happened to be nearby. "Come, Kafuka! I have made a very important discovery!"

"Ah, I'm not Kafuka," said Nozomu, but to no avail.

Chiri continued dragging Kafuka's body around until they reached a large structure, ornately carved with weird Aztec stuff and several other stereotypes. It was spewing water. Magical water.

"Is this your very important discovery?" Nozomu asked, distorting Kafuka's face to show an expression of pure apathy. Chiri didn't seem to notice how odd Kafuka was acting. (She probably thought Kafuka was PMSing or something.)

"Yes. The Fountain of Youth."

Nozomu would have sarcastically said, "Oh, really," (or would have said "This is, by a wide margin, the most unlikely thing that has ever happened") but she was pushed in by Chiri. Accidentally, of course. Kafuka was now physically five.

"Oh, sorry," said Chiri, though she didn't sound sorry at all.

"Teacher!" cried Kafuka, skipping in all of a sudden with flowers in Nozomu's hair. Chiri didn't seem to notice how oddly Nozomu was acting either. Or the fact that he was now a woman. "Teacher! Or should I say Kafuka? That makes me feel weird. So anyways, I have good news! I know how to undo this whole thing, and I also met a nice guy…"

"I don't want to hear any more!" Nozomu jumped out of the fountain in slightly-too-large clothes. "Let's go!"

And so the Deus Ex Machina occurred and Nozomu was now male and in his own body, and Kafuka was now female and in her own body, and the right age too. The Deus Ex Machina couldn't fix one thing, though…

"Oh great, I know what's going to happen next," Nozomu sighed.

"Nozomu!" shouted Matoi, also somehow alive. "You're pregnant! Don't ask me how I know." She didn't seem to question how a guy could be pregnant.

Nozomu glared at Kafuka, who was blissfully staring at a butterfly. "I hate you more than ever."

"Okay, so that's all checked off of the list," said Kafuka, taking out the paper again and crossing out several items. "Ah, now there's one left to parody," she added as the fanfiction was abolished in all thirteen colonies of the United States. "Crack."

Nothing changed.

"We can't really parody that," said Nozomu, hospitalized again. "This is rather crack-y, isn't it? We'd be hypocrites to parody that. Or 'parodying geniuses.'" The doctor, also not questioning the possibility of male pregnancy, gently told the teacher to push hard.

"Well," said Kafuka, fortunately cutting off some rather traumatic scenes. "Looks like this is the end! We've been through a lot together, only we haven't. But everything must come to an end. Please check out the Authoress's other stuff, except for the embarrassingly horrible ones, and have a great day! This fanfiction is now completed."


	9. Epilogue

Epilogue

**Servo: Otherwise known as chapter nine, but I guess the writer didn't learn how to count.**

The class of 2-F restlessly mumbled amongst itself. Their teacher did not reprimand his students because,

**Crow: He was slowly being roasted as his students performed eldritch chants around the bonfire.**

well, he was not there. This was the topic of discussion in the classroom, before the substitute walked in.

"Chie-sensei,"

**Crow: Gesundheit.  
Servo: Thanks.**

one of the students called out, waving an arm wildly.

**Mike: It quickly detached and flew out the window, never to be seen again.**

"Where's Itoshiki-sensei?"

**Crow: Gesundheit.  
Servo: Thanks.**

The substitute peered at the students' worried faces and sighed sorrowfully.

"Itoshiki-sensei…

**Mike: If you need some Tylenol, just say so.  
Servo: Nope, I'm fine.**

has called in sick today."

* * *

**Crow: I'm wondering. Was that necessary at all?  
Mike: Well, I dunno. I guess we'll find out soon enough.**

The teacher who everybody was worried about was currently lying on the wooden floor of his living room. The television was on, and though various colorful scenes played, flashing

**Crow: Gross! The things they show on TV nowadays!**

colors across the walls, his eyes were focused firmly on the ceiling.

**Mike (Nozomu): I'm gonna focus the **_**hell**_** outta that ceiling!**

Nozomu Itoshiki was feeling depressed as usual, the reason why he called in sick today.

**Servo: If depression is usual for him, why didn't he call in sick before? Why did the school even **_**hire**_** him?**

The other residents of the house saw his prone figure and

**Crow: Immediately feasted upon his weak, elderly body.**

wondered what could possibly be bothering poor Nozomu now.

Majiru, the teacher's nephew, stared at his uncle for a few long minutes before tip-toeing to the closet.

**Crow (Majiru): Heheh…no adult supervision…time for some **_**fun**_**…**

Opening the door, he was not surprised to see Kiri Komori, wrapped in a thick brown quilt.

**Crow: He has a **_**girl**_** in his closet?!  
Mike: Well yeah, where've you been the last few chapters, hm?**

Even so, he blushed.

**Servo (Majiru): I swear, I didn't know you were taking a bath in there!**

But no, she loved her teacher (why else would she camp out in his house?). He had no chance against an older man.

So he coughed and said, "Uncle seems…

**Mike (Majiru): …A little more pregnant. Was he always like that?**

really down today." He couldn't exactly tell with all that hair covering her face, but it looked like Komori was worried.

**Mike: Well, I don't know if this helps, but…'seven days'…**

"Let's see," she said, and they both walked back to Nozomu. Matoi Tsunetsuki had beaten them already. Nozomu's stalker

**Crow: He has **_**two**_** girls living with him?!  
Mike: Well, yeah, where've you been the last few chapters?  
Crow: Why is he so depressed?!**

had his head in her lap and was massaging his shoulders lightly, crooning soft nothings into his ear.

**Servo (Matoi): …And then Susan, that slut I told you about before, remember? Well she had the gall to insult my dress, I mean, hellooooo, has she seen her own wardrobe lately? Well then Jane…**

Majiru glanced sideways at Komori and noticed how she

**Crow: Was sucking blood **_**right**_** out of his jugular!**

stiffened at the sight of the stalker, but still walked towards the lethargic man, her quilt dragging on the floor.

**Mike: Aw, no, no! You'll ruin the fabric!**

"What's wrong?" she asked politely.

Matoi glanced up briefly. "Oh, don't worry. It's none of your concern."

"Oh…okay…"

**Mike (Komori): Well, I guess this **_**knife in your back **_**is none of **_**your**_** concern.**

She huddled further into her cocoon

**Servo: Where she'll stay until springtime, when she'll burst forth, a beautiful butterfly.**

and appeared to slowly glide away.

Majiru stared at her retreating back,

**Crow (Majiru): Yes! The battle is won! Victory is mine!  
Servo (Komori): You may have won **_**this**_** time, but I'll be back! This I sweaaaar!**

stared at Matoi, now smirking down at his uncle,

**Mike (Matoi): Oh, I'm sorry darling, but I can't take you seriously with that milk moustache…**

and ran to catch up with the long-haired girl.

When he saw her again, Komori was sitting back in her closet. Her head was buried

**Servo: Ten feet deep and fifteen miles away.**

amongst the folds of her quilt. She wasn't crying…was she?

**Mike: Oh, no.  
Crow: No way.  
Servo: Whatever gave you that idea?**

"Komori-chan…?"

**Crow: Ah, Tom, now **_**I'm**_** sick!  
Servo: Hey, it's not my fault! …Actually, I guess it is.**

No answer. The little boy walked a little closer.

**Crow: Oh, classic horror movie mistake. His head'll be ripped off soon, you'll see…**

"Komori…?"

She looked up. He noticed that her hair carefully covered her face. "Majiru-kun…

**Mike: Well, it looks like none of these are for robots…  
Crow: Curse this human-centric society!  
Servo: Are you in despair, Crow?**

come here…" Majiru dutifully obeyed. He let Komori

**Mike: Sell his kidneys, those useless vital organs.**

force him to sit down in front of her. He let Komori play with his fine hair. He let her play with his hair until she fell asleep.

**Crow: After which he immediately punted her out the window.**

It was warm, being so close to her.

**Crow: …So that whole first part **_**was**_** meaningless!  
Mike: Yeah, I guess so.  
Crow: Man! That's so…so…argh! It really…  
Servo: Are you in despair, Crow?**

Suddenly, Nozomu noticed the snarky commentators. "Aah! This is an MST fic, isn't it?!"

**Crow: Crap! Our cover's been blown!  
Servo: Quick! Run awaaaay!**

"Don't you realize these fics are against the rules as specified in the Rules and Regulations of this website?! Now we'll get reported and the Almighty Authoress could be bann--


End file.
